The Art of Foamy War

So who was Mr. Nerf? Because that guy? Genius.

My nephew’s official birthday party is tomorrow and one item on his list was a Nerf gun, which I put dibs on. Today I strolled through the Nerf section of the toy store. Strolled and considered how much of my 401k could I divert to Nerf products and still retire before age 90.

They didn’t have this level of cool Nerfness when I was a kid, right? I mean I didn’t miss out just because of the lack of penis? That would so piss me off! But I’m pretty sure that this was a reflection of the incredible progress that’s been made in Nerf technology over the last 2+ decades, right? There are MIT graduates and ex-members of the CIA and science fiction wizards from Hollywood all devoting their time and energy to new foam brilliance.

No kidding, there is stuff that glows and there are Nerf crossbows and bow-and-arrows and big, glowing balls. You can get battery–powered stuff but there’s also technology powered by hand pump (shut up, dirty boys and girls). The one I got for my nephew is the Nerf Rapid Fire 20. Here’s what I loved about it:

-Nerfness
-No batteries necessary
-SHOOTS 20 DARTS AT ONE TIME

Twenty darts. At one time. It’s like the Jackie Chan of Nerf guns, taking on all comers at once! You can shoot one at a time, if you’re being stealthy and planning your attack and are some kind of GREAT BIG NERF WUSSY! OR (and I really can’t stress this enough) you could stand on one end of the room and pump the gun full of all-powerful air and pull the trigger and send 20 tremendous Nerf missiles of soft, squishy death hurtling through the air to suction cup all over your enemies! I mean come ON! How COOL is that???

My nephew is going to be 10 but he’s already Mr. Junior Sun Tzu – he knew enough to specify that he only wanted one Nerf gun, because if he got more he’d be forced by his very fair-minded parents to share with his siblings. He’s the youngest of three, so it behoveded him to request this advantage. With the Rapid Fire 20 I’ve essentially given him two big guys who will travel with him everywhere and rough up anyone who annoys him. Except that they’re big foam guys, with suction cups for hands.

It’s 2:30am, I should have wrapped it already but I’m stalling. Because I’m still a little bit thinking of keeping it all for myself. For home security, of course. (man, I’m just so weak.)