Lefty.

September was my month to "clean" the "kitchen" at work again. Its a joyous thing because I not only get to go through our little mini-fridge and do away with the scores of lost, abandoned and rogue foodstuffs, but I also get to mock my co-workers for their negligent food care-takery.

Here, for your reading enjoyment, is my debrief after the 2008 fall fridge free-for-all:

Hello:

Once again we have a fridge that is so very, very clean that you could actually even store things to EAT in it! And since I had such a positive reaction to last year’s list of “Things learned” from this experience I figured I should share again. Never let it be said that you cannot learn new things even while doing something that makes you wish you were totally, totally dead. Please to enjoy…

-Femtastic

Things I learned THIS TIME while cleaning out the kitchen fridge:

• There are some exciting new products out there that I had not heard of. They include:
• Kraft’s Honey Dijon wallpaper paste, guaranteed not to let your wallpaper come off. Ever. (seriously, ever. You’ll burn down this house and the wallpaper will still stand.)
• Ranch-flavored ice cream, complete with icee crystals on the top and a festive red tint to the edges (which screams like boiled lobsters when you wash it down the sink)
• Yoplait Blackberry slow-setting cement – just add cold and lots of time.
• Chunky’s new Petrified Beef and Noodle Soup (chisel not included)
• Ever still our department’s love for the un-eaten yogurt continues unabated. I believe now that we may have a grassroots “Save The Yogurt!” campaign happening right under our noses, where we flock to the stores and buy yogurt in order to protect them from ever, EVER being viciously consumed!
• Did you know (because I didn’t!) that there is a flavor of Jello which, if left alone long enough, will eventually smell like a combination of cumin and the blood of a thousand lost souls? True story!
• The noodles used in Lean Cuisine’s Fettuccini Alfredo can, in some cases, attain a sort of animation, nay even life, and attach themselves to your skin, say if you were unfortunate enough to let one get on you.
• In such cases the appropriate response is to flail your hand over the garbage frantically while screaming like a little girl
• Neither action will get the noodle/attack worm off, but it does make you feel a little better about your chances for survival
• Eventually you will have to have the noodle/worm-attacked hand removed.

Let’s see how long it takes for the box of cold to get filled up this time…

-Lefty McOneHand