Earning My Grownups

I have schedules for the things that I gotta do. The biggest schedule-based thing for me right now is working out. In just over 2 months T.E. comes back to me for the holidays (more on that at a later date when the idea of writing about the upcoming holidays won’t be as likely to get me shot by readers who are all still in the “No! The “Holidays” are months away! Leave me alone!” continuum) and when he comes up that escalator I want his one thought to be this: “She was totally worth the last 10 hours on that f*cking plane.” For such a thing to be possible, at least in my head, I either need to lose another 15-20 lbs, as well as flattening my tummy and giving me almost Madonna-arms/boobs, or I need to be standing at the top of the escalator covered in chocolate and money. And I don’t have enough money for that, so I gotta work out. GOTTA.

And therefore we have scheduleness. It looks like this:

SATURDAY: full cardio plus abs
SUNDAY: full cardio plus push-ups
MONDAY: full cardio plus abs
TUESDAY: full cardio plus push-ups
WEDNESDAY: full cardio plus abs
THURSDAY: full cardio plus push-ups
FRIDAY: ice cream and carbs for dinner and falling asleep on the couch and maybe more ice cream!
SATURDAY: …what, didn’t we already cover this? Did you have a coma since the last Saturday?...

I originally planned to work out EVERY SINGLE DAY, but had to add my important Friday plan for two reasons: The first is that if I don’t give myself some bit of a break I eventually get bitter and self-pity-ey, and I end up taking a Friday, or a Thursday, or possible a Wednesday-through-November off from working out because “didn’t you see how good I was for like two weeks? I’ve earned this. Now give me more bon-bons.” The second is that I couldn’t work out the pattern for the two extra things (abs and push-ups) and having it fold back around in this unpredictable way, where “who KNOWS what I’ll be doing on that Tuesday! AHHHH!” was just way too much pressure for me. Break it into a 6-day pattern with a break makes Femtastic’s brain “AHHHH!” just that much less. Better for everyone.

So this last Friday I had things all scheduled, like a hair cut and a games night and such, and so having the night off from the workout was not just good, it was necessary. From the scheduling. I had a nice time and came home feeling no guilt whatsoever because hello, it’s Friday! But then Saturday I was going to do those things that Friday is not obligated to do. I fully intended to work out, I did! I was to cardio, listening to my new, woodsy audio book and then reading my totally insightful and epiphaniostic workbook and both improving my body as well as growing my soul and improving my brain. (yes, all of that in just an hour. Shut up.)

But more than that, I was going to CLEAN! LAUNDRY! COOK! There was to be BLOG POSTS! And creativity on EPIC SCALES! When I went to bed on Saturday night I was going to be tired, sure, but it was going to be that satisfied, accomplished kind of tired where you nuzzle down into your soft, clean sheets actually smiling, and your dreams all have you running marathons or winning Nobel prizes or curing fatness (in a way that involves no working out or diets but doesn’t make you a lazy piece of crap either. It’s coming – science is on it.) I was all about this day plan.

So the question has to be this: how is it that when I finally did go to sleep Sunday morning at about 1am I had accomplished a total of “I totally suck” and felt like I was not only the President of the “Slackers club for men and also women” but also a client? It was like I needed a day off in addition to my sanctioned day off because on my sanctioned day off I didn’t do any of the “need to” things, but I did so many “get to” things that I was still winded; nay pooped! Possibly all the way to knackered out! This day off was NOT approved by the “days off” approval board, and even as I type this I just KNOW that there’s a strongly worded memo or letter coming my way to condemn me for unauthorized days offing. These things cannot be done spontaneously – they need planning! Scheduling! A rigorous checks-and-balances to make sure they’re not done willielily, let alone nillielily!

So today has to be better. It has to. And yet, here it is 3:45 and this blog post is the sum total of what I’ve accomplished. I’ve got time to do some catching up – but do I have the moxie? The where-withall? Here’s hoping, gentle readers. Fingers? They be crossed!