Friday, February 02, 2018

Where is Father Merrin When You Really Need Him?

OK, so I maybe has some feels about the last break-up.

Arguments could totally be made that I'm experiencing emotions of a savory, angry flavor. I can't legitimately maintain a 100% lack of any tears. When last I was wrestling on a bra my chest might have sounded like a knapsack of martini glasses. I may have used up the year's allotment of the words "Crap Weasel" and "douchenozzle" as well as the phrase "AND LET ME TELL YOU ANOTHER THING...!" (and by "this year" I mean 2018. Happy February!)

You wouldn't be able to confirm these emotions with any of my friends or family though. I've been playing these cards very close to the chest. Because how else do you win at "Got Dumped!"??? Due to the lack of talking about it I've been able to fool myself into thinking it's all been processed occasionally. Then I'll go for a bike ride or take a shower, something that has me in a solitary situation where my mind (and my mouth!) are free to wander and all of the sudden I'm that crazy homeless lady on the corner by the McDonalds screeching about the government plot to make everybody left-footed via the fluoride in the water! I just start talking.

Well sort of talking...

Sort of talk-yelling. With not so much talking. (and a looooooot of yelling.)

Yell/sobbing.

Yobbing.

...

...

What were we talking about?

Right! Emotions! Yeah, so I was really hoping that if I took a full year and had no contact or chit-chat, etc. about The Cowboy then all these emotions would just quiet down. Slowly but surely fade away. Go nighty-night. I mean after all, that IS how emotions work, right??? But no. This little shits are tenacious. It's almost like they refuse to go away until I somehow actually exercise them! Which SUUUUCKS!!! Because I can only take so many showers a day, people. A one-person household should never have a water bill like this!!!

I've tried journalling.

Have you ever had that thing where the loud, screamy emotions shooting out of your mind come so fast that you can't write them down fast enough? You're just writing down the quick chunks of each thought, with sentences coming out like "Why such a selfish can't even just YOU WERE THE ONE WHO thing with the counselor and you never even paid me back!"

These are journal entries that get you committed by loving family members, people.

I did channel the feelings into quite a few playlists. That actually worked pretty well for a while! But then there were the "cease and desist" emails from the good people at Spotify. (Although one guy did tell me that they had new data about how many songs on their service contain the words "dick punch" thanks to me! That's something!)

I even thought maybe I just needed to go and actually see The Cowboy. Tell him all these thoughts and feelings smashing my poor, defenseless brain. This idea was very short lived because I need my voice for work, and also because I can only take 2 days off from work and that's not even enough time to say it all. (I know this scientifically because of how much time I've spent on bikes and in showers since things blew up. Because maths.)

So I've worked out two 100% foolproof tactics that will definitely process all of these emotion-things in the next few months.
  1. YOU GUYS. I'm gonna share occasional rants here when something overloads the system. You guys like that kind of stuff, right? Sure you do...  ...  ...  Yep, I'm sure of it. You do.
  2. Axe Throwing. 



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