Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Replace the "B" with the upside-down Double-U thingie and it all bakes sense...

I’b sick.

(and also cough, cough, hack, die.)

I wish I could blabe all of my lack-of-posting od this cold, but that would be a lie. But I can blabe the last 5 days of by not posting on this cold. Also I cad hate this cold for the coldidess of it.

(seriously, hack DIE.)

Before the cold I was just so having the holidays! I was baking (but not actually baking, like with an oven, but instead baking like how it would sound if I didn’t have a cold, with an eb. Upside-down double-u thing.) things that were gifty of nature like fabulous calendars highlighting how awesome is by photo-eye (and by hubility. Don’t forget my abazing, earth-shattering hubility) and also jewelry that was sparkly. SO sparkly. And this year again I didn’t do a Christbas card but instead did a CD of all the busic with which I was obsessed in the last year, which (get this) I do in lieu of a card because I hate all the hassles of sending Christbas cards.

OK, now I’b just gonna wait here for you to stop laughing at by piles of dumb…

…(ban, by cuticles are out of control!)…

…finished? Lovely.

All of this is just to say (hold it – coughing very much now!) that I’b a bad, bad blogger who dropped off the face of the earth and all bostly because of a holiday that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, but that I don’t seem to banage very well. (…and how was YOUR ChrisbaHannuKwanzicas?)

But now I’b sick. Hack DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

Here’s the deal: I have bany posts in my head. Bany of them. Know how you find a gift for someone around the holidays and then once they’re off your “purchase” list you just keep thinking of new, excellent gifts for theb? Well when you’re way, WAY over-busy to write blog posts you spend all of your free tibe (and by free I don’t bean tibe where I could be writing a blog post, but bore accurately tibe in the shower or driving or falling asleep or standing in line waiting to get a shopping ball gift card watching sobe TREBENDOUS DOUCHEBAG be totally nasty to sobe poor, abused seasonal ball employee!!!) seeing excellent things about which you could write a blog post. If you weren’t in the shower. Or driving. “Hey, buddy, could you cobe over here so I could write a blog post about how buch of a tool you’re being during this the bost “be good, don’t pout, for goodness sake!” tibe of year on the back of your head???”

So now that the holidays are just about over, and I’ve taken care of all the “being sick” I need to do in the next 5 years, and my “brain” is full to bursting with blog post potential you should, IN THEORY, have things to read for a while. HAPPY NEW YEAR, BY PEOPLES!!!!!

(Hack. Also seriously for the last time die, die, DIE.)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Oh hi, I didn't see you standing there...

Ummmmmmm, hi.

(embarrassed, awkward pause)

Right, so I suck.

Look, I could waste your and my time with the long, whiny and entirely my fault reasons/excuses/bitchfest of where the heck I’ve been the last what – 2 weeks? Maybe more? Or I could just sum it up like this: Christmas is HARD.

I pretty much always seem to kill myself with entirely too many fabulous, ambitious projects for gifts. What starts off with “hey, I could give someone a calendar of family pictures!” always ends with “and that’s why I spent every night for a week up until 3am, searching years of photos so that I can create a chronological photo essay of the evolution of our family, printed like a painting on canvas and framed in an antique gold-plated frame. From Italy. The Country.”

The good news is that the last of the absurd, over-the-top projects was finished yesterday and I can now shun my “Santa’s Elves” existence and return to you! My Internet Bestest Friends! The bad news is that I only got 4 and a half hours of sleep last night (did I mention the final project is done?) and that’s 3 nights in a row of that and also I fell asleep typing the word “chronological” up above there, and again just now between “Santa’s” and “Elves”. So I don’t have the push in me to write anything worthwhile (I can see it now: the Christmas of the post of “eleven things I would not want shoved into my pants on a long hike.” Number 3: pickled rats-heads!) so I’m just going to leave you with three wise gems of depth and wisdom:

1) promise of a snow storm is not the same thing as a snow storm.
2) wait, what was I gonna do just now?
3) If enough pressure is placed it is possible to make a crease in the bridge of your nose with the top of the “F7” key.

But for now? S-L-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-P!

Friday, December 05, 2008

Comparatively speaking.

I finally sent a reply to Mr. Carl’s first non check-boxy communication. Not a GREAT reply. Not a CLEVER reply, or even a particularly coherent reply? But I sent a reply. I replied.

And then? Then E-Melody asked me to basically decide if I was in love or not. Right now. No pressure or anything, but now that you’ve checked a bunch of boxes and sent chunks of info and received other info chunks and you’ve each sent one whole email we were wondering if you have picked a date, color palette, song for the first dance…?

It was just a survey, I guess, but I was kind of amazed by some of the questions. Or even by the fact that they kept, they KEPT referring to the thing just barely going on here as a relationship. “How interested would you say you are in this relationship with Mr. Carl?” “Are you satisfied with the pace of this relationship with Mr. Carl?“ AM I TOTALLY NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP YET WITH MR. CARL? DO I WISH YOU WOULD STOP USING THAT WORD WHEN REFERRING TO MY EMAIL TO MR. CARL? DO I THINK THAT YOU MIGHT REFER TO A CUP OF COFFEE AND SHARING OF A CHEESE DANISH AS “MARRIAGE”?

If the survey had included the question “what word best describes your level of investment in this “relationship” with Mr. Carl?” I would have had to check the “tepid” box. There’s nothing specifically wrong with him (as far as I know – if he has a box of human heads in his attic he hasn’t mentioned it yet. Probably prudent – don’t want to give everything away too fast. Gotta keep SOME secrets, right? What were we talking about again? Oh, right. “tepid”) but I’m really not jazzed. I realized how luke-warm I feel about it when I found myself really interested in another match.

We will call him Fernando. (and we will mysteriously swoon a little at the mention of his name. Even though I just now made it up.)

First let me say that his real name was even more fabulous. I almost put the real name here in the blog only because it’s such an iconic one! Suffice it to say his name brings visions of smooth, barrel-chested, stallions gripping lacily-boddessed wenches against the mast of a pirate ship! In all honesty I originally SCOFFED at this name. Openly scoffed. Considered rejecting the match on the name alone.

But this guy’s little bio-thingy was the first one that ever really caught my attention. And no, I really can’t tell you why – I’ve read and re-read his bio a couple of times to try to figure it out, but it’s too subtle. Except one thing: he’s one of twins, and he and his twin brother were born in Italy and then moved here and THEN orphaned and adopted and all of that really intrigued me, plus the impact this unique history had on his view of “family”. For whatever intangible reason I was, for the first time so far, actually jazzed.

Which is why I should really have KNOWN that he would close the match right away. And should even more have known that the reason he closed the match was because he’s already involved with someone else. (what, me bitter? Of course not! Grumble…)

I will keep going with Mr. Carl as long as he does. But so far he’s no Fernando.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Thanksgiving was holding me hostage. Yummy, mashed-potato hostage...

Oh hi. How was your holiday? Was it turkey-rific? Pie-tastic? Food-nomenal? Yeah. Mine too.

I must confess, and even issue a warning for some people (the “anti-holiday” people. The ones who get angry at the sight of lights strung on rooftops in early December. The ones who flinch at every “fa la la la la…”), that I am very “pro” holidays. I think I’ve already mentioned my love for all things Christmas (which I’m happy to apologize for right up until the 4th Thursday of November, but we’re officially in ‘the season’ now so Jingle Bells, baby!!!) but I love Thanksgiving too. Thanksgiving is just like Christmas but without gifts! Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE me the gift giving! That’s one of my very favorite things about this time of year: the permission to give any gift I want to any loved one I want! You can’t imagine the amount of time and energy I spend the rest of the year coming up with excuses to gift the gifts I find and want to gift. “Here, Queenie, is a very cool thing I am giving you because today is the 16 week anniversary of that one time you said I looked cute in these pants!”


But a lot of people get freaked out by the gifts thing. So Thanksgiving is excellent because you get the people and the food and the fun and the general sense of “Whee!!!” without the stress from those who find gifting stressful.

And there’s pie.

However, much as I loved the holiday weekend I am sorry about the big lack of posts. I had PLANNED to do a post on Wednesday. One could say even a solicited post. A favorite blogger of mine issued a challenge on that pre-holiday-day: give thanks for the hard, bad or otherwise “challenging” things! (and then write about it. In a blog. You see where I’m goin’ with this...) I was ALL ABOUT this challenge. Because LO! A CHALLENGE! PROFERRED INSPIRATION – NOW GO!

Turns out, though, that it was harder than I figured.

I was totally without idea! Couldn’t come up with any kind of silver lining for things like the economy or flea infestations or my overly-huge rear. (“I give thanks for my big butt, because if this economy keeps tanking I might be able to use my pants as a tent! Thereby giving easier access to the fleas...?”) I wracked my brain for ideas and came up empty handed. (keeping in mind that Wednesday was the all-time least productive work day I’ve had since last December 24th. As a whole the only benefit in my being at work at all was the way my mass kept the building from becoming airborne and floating off into the sky. And YOUR WELCOME.)

Where was I? Oh right – no ideas. So distracted was I by the impending pie and upcoming green bean casserole that no productive thought could survive the oxygen-free atmosphere.

Then suddenly it was Thanksgiving and just an AWESOME day! Food and games and family and conversations and werewolves (don’t ask) and I was finally struck with that inspiration that had been eluding me all the previous day.

And so I would like to give thanks for my single status! Because even though it means that I came home to an empty (save for cats) house and had to make my food all by myself and had nobody with which to share the joy of the Kermit the Frog parade balloon or the arrival of Santa Clause, I ALSO did not have to figure out how to juggle the gatherings of 2 (or more!) sets of family and parents and obligations. I didn’t have to have 2, or 3, or 11 Thanksgiving meals throughout the weekend to satisfy all the invitations.

To be honest, one of the things that I COMPLETELY DREAD about the idea of being partnered is the hassle of having to share my life with someone else’s family. What do I do on Christmas? I open presents with my parents and go to the gathering of my family. Period. The End. I don’t have to go to my family’s house one year and his family’s house the next year. I don’t have to EVER spend my beloved holidays with people who are not MY people. I can’t even fathom the idea of spending Christmas with anyone other than my very own family. In almost 40 years I’ve never had to. It would seem like not having Christmas at all!

So, even though the goal of this whole blog is the finding of a partner, on the holidays I revel in my independence and the complete LACK of partner complications. My big hope is to find that amazing, single guy who’s entire family was lost at sea. (fingers crossed!)

Even though it’s practically a week too late, I’d still love to pass on the suggestion for everyone to look for that challenging thing that they normally consider bad news and find a way to give thanks for even that. Consider it the first step of this newest holiday season.

And then? Have Pie. Happy Belated Thanksgiving, everybody!