Thursday, June 02, 2011

Battle of the Bulge -- Where the Heck Was I?

Wanna know how long it’s been since I wrote about my never-ending pursuit to be a less chunky Femtastic? Wanna know? It’s been SO long that I had to go search my blog to even figure out when it WAS that I last updated you guys on working out. Which is bad, right? Except wait, even WORSE, I was surfing back and surfing back and finally got tired of looking and gave up. Are you getting me here? It’s been SO LONG since I updated you on working out I didn’t even have the energy to find when the heck that was. THAT IS A LONG TIME.
Of course I could be excused for thinking I’d posted on this more recently than that because in my mind I totally did. In my mind I wrote this cool post about turning over a new leaf with my foods. I also wrote this terribly clever one about how it was hard to come up with ways to work out after I moved back to Hippyville. In my mind. And which of us will ever forget that epic post about… well, none of us will, no matter how epic it was, because it’s still here. In my mind. Stupid mind, which holds on to stuff and makes stuff seem real and forgets to remind you that you never did it ever…
So all this just to say that we got some catchin’ up to do, my peoples. Now, I could either write a truly colossal tome here covering everything that I should have been posting about in the last 5 or so months, which would make my poor hands cramp and you guys would get bored with the subject matter, not to mention the ridiculous level of detail, about a third of the way in and it would leave me so tired of typing I’d not write again until Christmas time. OR I could just say this: IT’S FINALLY WORKING.
I’ve lost over 20 pounds since I moved home. OVER TWENTY FRICKIN’ POUNDS! That’s real, actual, honest-to-goodness MASS, people! That’s like an entire person’s worth of weight (if they were about a foot and a half tall and had also been watching their weight) or a little more than one of my cats. A big cat’s worth of weight! Huzzah! And I really can’t tell you how satisfying it is to finally be having SUCCESS at this, given how long I’ve been busting my (great, big, FLABBY) hump trying to make a difference. Each success has fueled even more work from same previously mentioned flabby hump!
Currently here’s what my life of fitness looks like:
  • I’m counting calories. No more than 1360 of the lovely little buggers a day. It’s such a tiny number…
  • I’m going on a 15-mile bike ride, for an hour out and back, four days a week
  • I’m taking a kickboxing class for an hour twice a week
  • Every other day I do these killer exercises on my hips and my abs and my fanny. They are very, very mean. I hate them, but I think they’re making big things smaller, and that’s good
  • I do pee-ups. 20 push-ups each time I leave the bathroom. Many push-ups each day
…not bad, eh? I mean, I spend a LOT of my time sweaty. A LOT. But the pay-off is OVER TWENTY POUNDS! I’ve got a few pounds to go to hit my goal weight. And once I do that there will be three very good payoffs:
1. I will go buy pants. None of my pants fit anymore, so I need pants.
2. I will finally give myself my 3rd tattoo. It’s been in the wings for over 4 years. But FINALLY I’ll have earned it!
3. I will knock T.E.’s SOCKS off when he walks off that plan in a month.
…of those three I’m sure you can all guess which one I’m most excited about. Yeah you can.