Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Bored and therefore evil...

This is taking FOREVER. How did anyone ever get this wove.com idea funded? I mean, just imagine the pitch:

"It's gonna be a massive online matchmaking system! People will create detailed profiles spelling out exactly what they want from a mate, and also exactly who/what they are! Then we'll bring them together and they'll get to know each other gradually, so that they don't make actual contact unless sure that they've got that special something."

"but how will these gradual meetings work?"

"Oh no, they won't meet. No, they'll send endless lists of pre-created questions which will be answered from a pre-created list of responses!"

"Oh, I see. how long will that part of the process last?"

"Only 8 or 9 years!!! And then they'll know for SURE that they've found their soulmate! Assuming that they haven't already snapped and bailed on the system in preference for 2 martinis and a blow job in the bathroom of the closest danceclub." Crickets. Tumbleweeds. Other metaphors of "crappy idea reaction scene" inserted here.

So far I've been really good. I've answered questions honestly, asked them that way too... But I am, at heart, a person who enjoys to mess with the system, people. I can't be expected to behave for too much longer, especially if the process is going to take forever and make me feel stupid in the meantime! No, I fear soon I'll snap and finally take the advice of The King: I'm gonna mess with someone.

But how to do it? Ahhh, that's the rub. (Ooh, how about one time I'll craft all of my responses in Shakespearean jargon?) You must understand, first, that though the system provides you with pre-crafted questions, I believe they do offer the option of crafting one on your own, so I'm assuming I could craft all 5! Here are some ideas:
  • Ask 5 questions all centering around what the person looks like. "how round is your nose? Would you say your teeth are larger than average? Do you now or have you ever sported a mullett? (if so, do you feel really bad about it in hindsight? Would you promise never to do it again?)..."
  • Send them the "stalkers special starter kit" of questions: "What is your car's make, model and color?" Give a brief but recognizable description of yourself? What is the address of your work and your normal working schedule? How heavily would you say you sleep? Are you allergic to chloroform, duct tape and/or handcuffs?"
  • All riddles! Or limericks! Haiku?
  • The princess package. "How many times a week will you bring me presents? You will pump my gas, wash my car and change my oil, right? How pretty am I? How 'bout now? How 'bout now?"
  • The Vinnie Barbarino tribute: "What? Wheah? When? Who?..."
  • Truly evil: do the least politically correct questions EVER. I think it would go a little something like this: "I'm sure you're white, but how white? Which do you prefer: limo or hummer? How many wars do you think the jews have started?"
I'll try to be good, I really will, but I promise you this: just like Oregon rain, reruns and the next celebrity divorce, sooner or later it's gonna happen. And to the poor dude who has to figure out what to do with it I can only say I'm sorry -- I was just so dang bored!

No comments: