Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Girly Stuff 101

OK, so it occurred to me that if I’m looking for a guy I should probably do something to make me seem more like a non-guy. (dame, skirt, gal, chick, etc.) I ran through the various options (sewing, cooking, ovulating, pushing something the size of a basketball out of my cooch, did I mention cooking?) and picked “Painting my toenails” Then I needed to find someone who had done that EVER to help me out.

Yes, that’s right. I said it. I’ve never painted my toenails. Or at least in my memory I’ve never painted my toenails. (which frankly, with my memory, means I’ve not painted my toenails since last I slept. Memory is hard.)

So lucky me, I have The Queen to help me with all things girly. For she is knowledgable and experienced in the ways of the girl. She wears make-up and does things all a-fancy with her hair (colors and the like) and wears pretty shoes AND she paints toenails! Perfect! Plus, as an added bonus, she already knows that I was born without most of the girl stuff (To CLARIFY: Girl PARTS = yes. Girl STUFF = not so much.) and accepts me anyway and doesn’t judge me when I never use moisturizing goo on my face and instead let it get all chapped.

(Well, doesn’t judge me very much. It’s just a thing for her is all. But if I never wear earrings? No judgment! I’m pretty sure no judgment. Very little judgment.)

So I went to The Queen and told her that I thought that it would be a super idea if she painted my toenails. And amazingly enough, she AGREED! What’s more, she took the spirit of the event to the next level and combined it with a chick flick and a whole girls night thing and it was so danged girly that the room was thick with estrogen and smelled like perfume and lingerie and diet soda!

And can I just say thank GOD that she was there to walk me though this, because there was way more to this then I knew. I mostly figured if I went to her she’d help me with the three things I was not equipped to handle:
  • Having nail polish (as I have none and she has more than none)
  • Picking a color (does it have to match your socks? Do you change it for the outfits? Confusing!)
  • Reaching my toes (I do NOT want to talk about it.)
But there were steps. Actual, bonafide STEPS.

First we put fancy powders into big bowls of hot (sorry, meant that to be HOT!) water and put our feet into the big bowls of HOT! water. Which is not exactly the thing – for her it was “and put our feet into the big bowl of HOT! water.” For me it was “put my foot in, and then out, and then just the bottom, and then up to the middle and then back out and man, this is really HOT!, and then more foot into water and then foot ALL THE WAY IN THE WATER and then foot totally back out of the water (and should it be that red? Look how not red the other foot is? What does it look like when you give your foot third degree burns?) and finally the right foot all the way in, and then the left foot all the way in and SERIOUSLY, THAT IS SUPER HOT WATER!…” Once the feet were both in the water we left them there for 10 minutes. I believe this was either to clean the feet or to soften them up or season them to seal in all the juices for when we grilled them over an open flame. Either way it smelled nice.

Afterward her Highness had a tub of stuff that looked like diaper rash cream but smelled like sun tan lotion. It was a cocoa butter stuff, and we rubbed it into the feet. At first I was freaked out because no matter how much I rubbed and rubbed and RUBBED the feet still felt gooey. I have always had a problem with moisturizers because of the gooey feeling. But being experienced, she sensed my freak-out and calmed me and made me STOP WITH THE RUBBING. It will soak in. Yes it will. Trust me. Deep breathes. Seriously, could you show me your uterus just for a second?… just checking.

Then we had to pick a color and The Queen had several to chose from. At first I went straight for the exact color she, and I, and anybody who knows me, would have expected, which was this super-pale pink, almost not a color at all. But at the last second I went nuts! Went for a real pink! A Mauve, in fact! (I really was swayed by the name of the color, and I don’t remember anymore what the color was. It was “SOMETHING mauve”, like “Magical Mauve” or “Maniac Mauve” or “Make-Me-Seem-Girly Mauve” Hopefully The Queen will remember the name and put it in the comments. HINT!) Lookit me, and more specifically my toes: See? I’m a GIRL!

So the last part was, of course, the actual painting of the toes. She was an artist. Colored totally within the lines, and when she DID have a rebel blob of polish she had this whole trick with polish remover and a Q-Tip and everything… I watched, but I don’t think I could fly solo even with all the watching I did. So now I have to figure out something I can do for her periodically in return for the future fancy nail polishing I plan to ask her for. Maybe set the time on her VCR or open a jar of pickles. Manly stuff.

1 comment:

The Queen (aka digi) said...

Awwww Honey, any time, it was swell! And I'm just so happy you mostly enjoyed it. I want to say the color is Mystic Mauve, but will have to double check. Ooohhh, now I have a reason to go buy new nail polish, woo-hoo!