Hello from basket-case central, a dark and swirly land of badness. How are things in the land of lightness and goodness and “I don’t have to go to the dentist today”-ness? I wish I were there. I hope I live to visit you there tomorrow.
(translation: OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod-I have to go to the dentist today and I don’t want to SO MUCH - OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod OhGodOhGodOhGod!)
Yeah, I’m going to the dentist today. I have a tooth that broke over a year ago, and which has been suffering through with a temporary filling on it. (I know, I had the same reaction when the dentist told me how long ago we’d put that on. “Temporary filling? Lasting over a year? Are we sure we’re using that word “temporary” correctly?”) But now I have the Good Job again, with the Really Good Benefits, and so it’s time to start repairing the things that are broke. And my mouth is thing one.
So remember how I’m a great, big dentist-phobe? How I’d rather spend a couple of days with my mouth tasting like the inside of a soda can then visit my dds? How I’d rather spend a couple of days ON FIRE then visit my dds? Right, that’s me. However today I’m going to conquer my fears (or at least beat them into temporary submission) and get my butt into chair. And all I have to do in the meantime is try not to crawl entirely out of my skin and leave it a hollow (albeit smartly dressed) husk in my desk chair as the rest of me curls up in a ball under the desk. Piece of cake!
I know other people who are as enthusiastic about dental visits as I am and several have suggested pre-medicating myself. I explained that while I’m not crazy about dentists in general I really like my personal Dentist (protecting the innocent we’ll call him Guy Smiley) and therefore I don’t feel good about greeting him with a terrible case of tequila-breath. Not to mention the eventual vomiting. Turns out, though, that these people were talking ACTUAL medication. So now I’ve got this prescription for Valium. (well, actually it’s Valium’s poorer, less-famous cousin Diazepam. But I’ll bet she’s just as bright and shiny once sucked on down!)
A normal person would see this as some kind of solution or otherwise good thing. “I am ever so glad” they would say “that this small, blue pill will help me to be less stressed and make this trip to the dentist a less scary thing. Oh joy and for goodness, little blue pill.” Yes they would.
Yes they would.
I’m pretty sure they would.
Whatever! The point is this: not me! I woudn’t/couldn’t/can’t say this. Instead I say this: “Crap and crap, now I’m stressed out about going to the dentist AND I’m stressed out about taking drugs! Drugs that I’ve never taken before. AND I have to take the blue pill here at work. And wait for an hour. AND now I have to get rides all over the place because apparently they aren’t kidding about the “don’t operate 2-ton vehicles while all loopy and stupid” warning. And did I mention that I’m probably going to be stupid at work? A place where I generally try to keep my stupidity to a minimum? Crap. And also crap.” That's what I say.
And by the way, I read the possible side effects (which is something that I always, always, ALWAYS do, ever since this one time where I ended up going blind in the shower. But that’s a story for another time…) and now I’m sure I’m having them all. (please note: I have not actually taken the pill. No pill has crossed my lips. But still I’m clumsy and drowsy and headachy and stuff.) And I’m supposed to let the doctor know if I have any memory loss, but I haven’t yet. I don’t think. Unless I have, but I’ve forgotten about it. Have I mentioned crap and crap yet? Crap.
So wish me luck and tomorrow I’ll try to post even if just so you’ll know that I survived. But for now I’m busy stressing and filling-up my tummy with poisonous asps and tapping my toes constantly, to the great enjoyment of the folks sitting around me. (and if you’re very lucky I’ll be just foolish enough to write a blog post while stupid-loopy on poor, ordinary lady Diazepam.)