My True Calling

Being a member of the great unwashed (or at least the great unemployed) I’ve got time on my hands. But me, I’m smart! I knew that the fastest way to get a job to show up would be to cram so many cool things into my free time that should a job show up I’d be all bummed about having to go back to work. “Awwww, man!” I’d yell at the idea of gainful employment. “But I still need to learn Italian and tantric crochet and build that full-scale model of the Empire State Building out of pudding cups!” (also kicks toe into the dirt in disappointment…) So far the job hasn’t appeared, but I’m sure it just means I don’t have enough hobbies and classes and idle goals yet.

Right now my free time is filled with any and all of the following:

• Photography
• Copious amounts of exercise (which will be the subject of a future blog post!)
• Pilates
• Kickboxing
• Writing (both fiction and blog posts)
• Making vaguely erotic jewelry
• Learning video editing
• Reading all the Buffy the Vampire Slayer graphic novels
• Archery

…yes, I said archery. You can just go ahead and call me Robin Frickin’ Hood, people! Or no, wait, call me Green Frickin’ Arrow! Yeah, that’s good; that’s my favorite tights-wearin’, arrow-shootin’ dude. Oliver Queen. Hippy-Dippy Millionaire w/ arrows sporting boxing gloves on the end. I’m THAT cool.

I have to give T.E. credit for this too – he’s the one that reminded me how many times I’d said, in passing, “I have always wanted to learn how to fire a bow and arrow…” He also reminded me that I currently have a surplus of time that nobody wants to pay me to fill with their business. Add these two together and you get: Voila! Instant Fish! Instant, arrow-fling-flanging Fish!

So I found a local range that would show me the ropes and I went in and learned these ropes. These ropes? They’re pretty easy. I was asking the owner about taking ‘classes’ and he corrected me: “it’s just one class. If even that. I just show you how to do it, and then you just practice until you get it right.” Honestly, this whole thing has gone so well I wonder if maybe this whole ‘losing my job’ thing wasn’t really just to allow me to discover my archery savantivity and allow me to become the next Hawkeye (of Avengers, not M*A*S*H) or William Tell. (Check me, breakin’ out the historical archer references!)

Plus also you add the kickboxing (and I’m talking ACTUAL kickboxing. Not like “kickboxerjazzercizering for Cardio and Tight Butts!!” kickboxing. Feh.) and I figure I’ll be a real life Superhero by year’s end. I’m working on my costume idea now. Oh, and a name! I need a cool superhero name, you guys. Can’t do Green Arrow (or Red Arrow, or really any names that start with a color and end with ‘arrow’ of any kind) or Robin Hood (yes, that includes Robyn Hood!) Suggestions?

I’m looking forward to patrolling Hippyville in the dark of night, seeking out injustice and crapweaselitude and crushing it under my awesome superhero boots wherever I find it. (oh crap, boots! I gotta get some awesome superhero boots!) It’s gonna be awesome. And only you guys will know it’s really me! You’re gonna be my Alfred and Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon, all knowing who I am and lending a hand when I need it, even though I’m all dark and brooding and a loner and everything. Still, you guys will bring me Jello water and try to get me to sleep once in a while because I totally need it, even though I’ll push you off gruffly and tell you that evil never sleeps.*

It’s gonna be SO SWEET!

Of course the big problem with this plan is the lack of any pay or dental or anything . Just ask Spider-Man – crime may not pay, but crime fighting TOTALLY doesn’t. So I’ll have to fight crime outside the hours of “work” and “don’t work” so as to still be able to move out of my parent’s place. Because no self-respecting superhero should have to sneak out via the garage. (Unless, that is, they’ve got some killer super-bike or super-jet or something. )

Man… now I gotta get me a super-jet too.

*actually evil does sleep. but at something like 10:45am to around 2pm or so. Slacker evil...