I’m afraid that I’m going to have to become a wino. I don’t WANT to – oh no! I HAVE to. Because as the movies are constantly telling me, there is no step I should not take – for wove!
Honestly, though, here’s the deal: There’s this new place kind of in my neighborhood that sells wine, but they also have these singles events and someone recommended I check something out. I think “Hmmm, this could be promising. I go, I drink a little wine and I check out the dudes… Except that I don’t like wine. But otherwise – perfect.”
I don't like wine. No really, I have never liked wine. To me it’s always tasted like grape juice that has been through a very traumatic experience and turned bitter and nasty from it. Like this is what grape juice tastes like if it walked in on it’s parents doing the nasty at the age of 11, or Welches that has been touched below it’s label by a bad, bad person. Or forced to watch mimes who play the accordian. You know. Bleachy!
Before you ask, I don’t like beer either (aka apple cider that watched it’s puppy run out into traffic) or hard alcohol (any good beverage which lost it’s entire family in a tragic hot air balloon accident). The only alcoholic beverage that I kinda like is hard cider. Also I don’t like being drunk, I don’t get tipsy and tend to go straight from sober to “stand back, she’s gonna spew!”
Clearly I am the perfect candidate to fine love in a wine store.
The thing is I’m kind of running out of both steam and ideas, especially with the online thing. So I’m trying to “think outside the box” where “think” means look for available dudes and “outside the box” means not online so much. I tried this singles thing at our animal shelter which sounded cool but ended up being couples bringing their happy doggy family to listen to music and drink wine. Oh, and did I mention that 75% of the couples were lesbians? So I was surrounded by happily-partnered pairs of lesbians? With their three huge dogs per family? And wine? And that I met nobody? Anyone? Anyone? Did I mention any of that?
Where was I? Oh yeah, let’s go to the wine store to find twoo wove.
So there’s a deal next Friday (not this Friday, which I would call THIS Friday, but rather the Friday that is next in line, which I identify by calling it NEXT Friday. And can I say how amazing it is to me how confusing that whole issue is all the time?) where it’s a singles mixer, and you wander and drink and (this is there language now) “meet someone new in a non-intimidating and relaxing atmosphere!” Of course I don’t like wine and I’m an intimidating person, so I scoff at this claim a bit. But not so much that I’m not gonna spend $10 to check it out!
And for those keeping score: I’m still totally smitten with Doctor Cyanide and I’m 97% sure I’ve seen ringiosity on his hand; I haven’t heard from Potential Dude and can I just say: “whew!”; I’m starting my second tap dancing class tomorrow night and I’m atwitter and agog with tappy tingles in anticipation! and I’ve been at the new job for just over one month. And I still don’t know what the cah-RAP I’m doing. And (knock on wood) nobody else seems to have noticed. (hope they don’t find this blog!)