Hey, everybody who is still super-pregnant and wishing it would be over already take one step forward.
NOT SO FAST, MY QUEEN!!
Yes, as of about 4am on Friday morning The Royal Family went from one princess to two. And me? I was there! I was the one holding the right leg. D’ya hear that, my dear Queen? The one holding your right leg? That was me. I was also that annoying voice that kept saying both “pull back those knees!” and “you’re a f*cking rockstar!” You can punish me for both such things in any way you like.
But you were a f*cking rockstar.
My people, let’s bring the lights down low and start the soft music for a minute, can we? I wanna get “rll” with y’all.
So I’ve known this mama-woman for a million years, two weeks and 8 hours, right? I know things about this woman. I know that despite how lovely she is her burps can topple skyscrapers. She bakes like a Keebler Elf (in the good way) and will answer any question with “In your butt.” ANY question. When you’ve known someone this long you figure you know it all and nothing can surprise you.
And then you watch them squeeze a whole little person out of their cooch in 31 minutes. And you bow down on that clean hospital floor and realize how not worthy you’ve always been!
People, cooches are small! They’re a finite space! And babies – even little babies – are much, much bigger then cooches! And even though I know how this works and I’ve seen this stuff three times now it still just flabber-boggles me that things can stretch and move and make smallness bigger and babies come shooting out – SHOOTING OUT – Of a cooch!
Alright, I’m gonna try to stop using that word now.
Bottom line is this: no one in the world is stronger then she is. Not just because she pushed a baby out of her… out of her... her "ahem-ables"… but they asked for 3 pushes and she gave them 5. They promised her drugs and then drugged her not a bit. “Yeah, umm, sorry about that – give birth anyway, ‘kay?” They gave her this complex litany of things to do (deep breath, keep in that air, pull here and push to there and don’t do this with your butt and paint the ceiling and conquer Europe and holy crap, she’s makin’ people here!) and she did it all. And the most she complained about it? One time she said this:
Ummm, ya think?
So I know you guys are totally not getting how amazing she is – you’re just thinking “so what I’m hearing is ‘she gave birth’ – whoop that is larger then normal” but you weren’t there, my little ones. She was made of steel with a frothy meringue center. She was an oak tree covered in cherry blossoms. She built the Eiffel Tower and then painted it banana yellow. Do you get it?
Well you weren’t there. I was there. She was flawless. I just stood there asking myself “where does she keep all that damn strength?”
In her butt.
(Love you my Queen, and welcome little Princess Longtoes.)
PS: The King was awesome too. Especially for somebody without a cooch.