Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Dear Abby Internets

OK, so the other night was “tv and food night of fun and tv and food” and we discovered a distinct lack of dessert which is just WRONG. So I trekked off to the grocery store for yummy, sweet goodness. Anyway, I’m standing in checkout line #1 and over in checkout line B is this guy who, for I have no idea what reason, I totally, TOTALLY noticed. He was not bad looking but my noticeyness went beyond “hey, that dude is kinda cute.” I mean I was really looking. Really looking a bunch. I was about 6 seconds from “piercing mad gaze of a crazed nutbag.” looking at this guy. Somewhere in the back of my brain, where I keep the unicycle and the old issues of Highlights magazine, I had this idea that I was just sure this guy was single and my age and cool and that we’d have things in common and make a connection. I can’t remember having ever been this instantly intrigued by a stranger. And yet this isn’t the part I’m confused about.
I had just NO idea what to do with this moment.

I mean I stood there and kind of hoped that he’d look up and maybe we’d make eye contact, because I knew that an extended look in the eye was a way of saying “I’m single and my loins are inflamed. And you?” But he didn’t and we didn’t so I didn’t, so what do you do when you’re in this situation? I’m really, really asking here. After all, Hippyville is a little place, ripe with second chances for Mr. Fleece-Vest-And-Sharp-Goatee to appear again. And even if I never see him again, in another dozen years I could be instantly attracted to someone else and I’d love to feel less simultaneously helpless and also dorky! So compelling was this one-sided infatuation of about 83 seconds that when I finished my transaction I caught myself hurrying out to the parking lot. (and wouldn’t you know it – he drove away in a mini-cooper, a car I am personally ape over! Augh!)

It’s funny too, because lately I’ve been surrounded by other people being asked out in really average locations. My PT got asked out while faxing a timesheet at a Kinkos. Kinkos, not normally a place I think of as being a hotbed of steamy sexual tension. You don’t think of people going “Hey, let’s have a couple of wine coolers here at my swinging singles pad and then we’ll go pick up chicks while we make some color copies or perhaps purchase some binder tabs. PARTY!!!” Another person at work was approached by some cute dude while at the laundromat. (with her boyfriend – aaawkwaaard….)

Based on all of these stories from others I’ll admit that I thought for a second that this guy at the grocery store might be my turn. Maybe I should go stand by the fresh cut pineapple to give the story a better ring for our grandkids? Then he ruined it by being totally unaware of my human existence. Like we weren’t on the same page at ALL. Just so not cool, dude.

So really, from you people out there who have healthy social interactions and maybe have had sex since the last time a Clinton was in office: what would have been my move here? I don’t mind being single if there’s not an alternative, but I am embarrassed to admit that it really bugged me to have this moment and not been able to figure out how to capitalize on it at all. I need insight, ammunition, possibly alibis if you guys are as nuts as I am and things go awry. Don’t leave me hangin’ here, internets – give me your worldly wisdom!

Signed: Sexless in Safeway

1 comment:

Digi said...

First, get out of your line and get in line behind him, then say something funny about why you did. and your a dork for not saying anything to me about this!