Dear Mr. Organic Farmer Dude full to overflowing of pious, superior mojo:
I understand that you are for all things noble and good and non-chemical and non-corporate and non-republican. And that’s awesome. I have read your freaky anti-Bush, anti-red state, anti-capitalist signs with your unique spelling choices. Many of them I would probably agree with if they didn’t have this vague Uni-Bomber-esque thing going for them. But overall I get the mojo that you’re rockin’ – you’re counter culture. You’re alternative. You’re edgy. With all of this I am very cool.
However each day I peddle by your house, and your edgy, alternative, wild-and-crazy garden patches, and I’m about knocked off of my bike seat by the hardcore smell that floats from your place. The hardcore smell of poo. Dude, your place smells like poo. And that ain’t cool.
I didn’t really notice it until a few weeks ago. When it’s cold and wintery there’s not much gardening, and the smells mostly keep to themselves. But it’s been up in the 80’s and 90’s around here in the last few weeks, and nothing says “dry heaves dragging you off you squishy bicycle seat” like poo wafting on the 95 degree breeze! Not cool, dude! Not cool!
I’m no gardener, but surely there must be some other way to be Farmer Brown and not be The Man? Something that would keep folks from checking the bottoms of their shoes as they walk past your corner? (I’ve seen them do it. And yes, I’ve laughed. But that’s not the point.) Something all natural and earthy and homeo, as well as pathic, but not crappic?
If not, could I ask you to at least make a new sign to warn people of the air pollution issues around your home, so that they can choose to cross the street or hold their breath or something? Maybe something in a limerick or knock-knock joke? Or in iambic pentameter? What rhymes with “smells like ass?” I’m just sayin…