Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Scooching towards healthiosity

OK, so don’t freak out, but this morning after my shower I moisturized. With actual moisturizer. On my actual skin-parts. Voluntarily. Oh, and not only was the moisturizer full of healthy-moist-goodness, but it also had sun tan lotion in it. Right IN it! They can apparently do that now! First a man on the moon, now tan lotion in moist stuff. AMAZING!

As shocking as this is, especially to those of you who know me, it’s just the healthy tip of a new and bizarre Healthy Iceburg. For instance, ever since The Queen showed me the ins and outs of home pedicurity I’ve been using the magical foot butter (which, by the way, is not just normal butter applied to your foot. Learn from my mistakes.) every couple of weeks. For the first time since I went from sticking the feet in my mouth to walking on them they no longer feel like alligator-skin bags full of foot bones! And I painted my very own toes myself with my own hands myself all by myself myself! (that may not be healthy, but it’s girly, and that’s just as bizarre.)

Also, I’ve been making dinners lately. And by “making dinners” I normally mean “one box Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, one package hot dogs, mix and enjoy”. Only now I’ve meant things like “one grilled sirloin steak, roasted green beans, spaghetti noodles w/ melted butter and herbs”. Notice the lack of mystery meat or processed cheese food? Not to mention that I made a meal of three different things and they were all done at very close to the same time and edible or even tasty and covered a cross section foods, should you arrange the foods in some kind of geometrical shape like a pyramid. Or a rhombus. The food rhombus.

What else? Oh yeah, I’m trying to stop sleeping on the couch all night long. And also to stop sleeping with the TV on all night long. Now the sleeping on the couch thing is tough, because I love to sleep on the couch. No idea why, exactly, but it tends to feel like more indulgent sleep. Like I’m getting away with something – ooh, aah, sleeping where you should only be lying around! Scandal!

On the other hand, the sleeping with my good friend Mr. Television has been a purposeful thing for years. I know the smartipants sleep experts (or Slexperts, as I like to call them) say “Mercy me and good googly-moogly, you should NEVER sleep with the TV on! Bad, bad sleeping! Badness!!” However those smartipants never had the insanely vivid dreams I started having. So vivid, in fact, that I would wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. I finally started sleeping with the TV on to provide my over-active brain with just enough distraction as to let the rest of the brain take the night off. And it worked! But all of that started a decade ago; these days I wake most mornings with tremendous bags under my eyes, no matter the number of hours of sleep. So it’s time to try some new things and see if it helps. Healthy, no?

Disclaimer: I reserve the right to go back to sleeping with a full bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a hoagie in the other, with the TV, stereo and CB Radio all on, as well as dancing naked in sunny sand storms of radioactive evil at any time. You are not the boss of me.

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