Saturday, August 02, 2008

Too... Hot... To.........

I have never been this in love with air conditioning in my whole life. It's truly the greatest invention since INVENTIONS and I want to buy stock in the company responsible or write an epic poem about it's wonderfulness or have "Air Conditioning is SUPER-AWESOME!!!" tattood lovingly across my busom.

Because it's awesome. Is all I'm saying.

Four days ago I was snooty and pious and "ooh, air conditioning is for weenies and wimps and pansie-asses and I don't use it, even though I totally could, because la-dee-dah I'm ever so above it all!" Then I got into a car and drove south, south, south into the land of "wholly crap, who the hell ever thought it was a good idea to live HERE???? In places where they like to use the word "desert" in their NAME???" and I fell for Air Conditioning. I fell hard. I went to sleep dreaming of clandestine moonlit walks with air conditioning and woke up with the strong desire to stroke the big, jet-engine-fan wall unit to show my love and devotion. "Who needs a man," I ask myself "when you can have air conditioning?" Oh baby, I've got it bad for the old A.C.

Seriously, this is the hottest I've been since ever and ever. Yesterday? It was 114. DE. GREES. On PURPOSE! Every time I walk outside, even if it's just to run to the car to get something and run right back, I feel like I'm getting smacked in the whole front of my body with the vent-end of a clothing dryer! At night, when it's SUPPOSED to get COOLER, you go outside and the still hotness jumps on your head and smothers you from the top down. The first night I stood in the outside pool and wept for the water was the exact same temperature as the air. And the air was 98. Still degrees. This, my peoples, is just not right! I stand perfectly still outside for three minutes and the seat of my underwear fills up with water running down from my back. From all that strenuous standing around and trying not to die. My sister turned on the auto-open-thing on her van because nobody could TOUCH the DOOR HANDLES for all the ridiculous HOOOOOOOOOT!!!

I have never hated an outsideness more in my life.

I don't know if I'll get a chance to blog again before I get back (later I'll explain how it was that in order to do this post I had to wrestle the one and only lobby computer away from a never-ending stream of teenage European girls with angst!) but I'll try. In the meantime, whenever you feel a lovely, cool breeze think of me, trying to open the car door with my damned beach hat!

No comments: