Little Deuce Crap!

Remember how I was all “dude, I’m totally gonna get all knocked up (which is super-spendy) or become a world traveler (which is also spendy) and just generally rock my world!” and then I made that thumb-pinky hand-shakey thing like I’m a surfer dude? Remember that? And remember how you guys were all thinking “Wow, I so would not tempt fate like that if I were you.” (even though you were too cool to say anything) And how I was all “Naw, it’s cool. I have some extra scratch each month so this will be cool…” And then how you guys just kind of shook your head and sat back to wait for the cosmic spanking that I so richly deserved?

Well, consider me spanked.

It was probably no more than 2 weeks after my bold, manly post that my car said “ummm, die.” And then it died. (actually it was way more dramatic than that. First it did this thing where it wouldn’t go up to the next gear, and then when I went to turn off the radio to see what sounds the engine was making it made a pretty BIG sound! And then there was the terrible, terrible grinding sound it started making in the lowest gear. And in the third gear it would just let go periodically and do that “RrrrrrrrreeeeEEEEEEEE!!!!” sound when the engine just revved maniacally… “died” is much better.)

Here’s what you need to know from my car experience: transmissions are good. They’re important, and really every car should have one. One that works, and shifts the gears. All the gears.

Now that my car has only the “non-working, and probably coming apart each time I try to use it” kind of transmission, and is also 13-14 years old, and ALSO only cost me about $3000 to buy it when I bought it 8 or so years ago, it’s time to move on to a new (used) car.

So now lookit me: I’m Joe “Lookin’ for a car!” Guy!

Here’s what I’m shopping for:

• Not more than a decade old
• Something with sufficient space, preferably a wagon
• Reasonable cost for parts (because no matter what I’ll have mechanic bills. It’s how I roll)
• NOT an SUV
• More than 2 doors. We’d accept 4, 5… but not 2.
• Shiny.
• Goes “boop boo-BEEP!” when I walk away from it. (I admit I’ve been jonsing for a while to get a car that says bye-bye when you walk away. Love the bonding.)
• Little to no blood stains visable on any of the carpeting.
• That it have some carpeting.
• That a Carfax report on this used car doesn’t include the words “flood”, “inferno” or “possessed by Satan”
• Has never been filled with cigarette smoke. Or Pina colada air freshener. (shudder)
• Not white. (its gonna look filthy enough without that.)

Also I don’t know if you guys have heard about this, but apparently the economy is not so good? Yeah. Also people have decided that loaning money is the first step toward wide-spread communism. So there’s that. And maybe I’m a big old financial slacker, but as it turns out I don’t actually HAVE $7000 in any of my jeans pockets. Even the skinny pair I haven’t been able to put on for 4 years. No wads of any cash. (sub-text here: anybody want to mail me $7000 I’ll TOTALLY give up my secret identity! And a key to my house and daily foot washing and the first born of those kids I previously thought I’d try to have!)

I’m gonna go on some test drives of cars tomorrow. Not that I’m ready to buy. But I’m definitely ready to WANT to buy. And that’s really the first step. (or possibly accepting that I have a problem. Which I totally, totally do.)