I swore I wouldn't do this...

But apparently you can't call yourself a blogger if you don't meme. It's a rule. Or by-law. Possibly a statute? I will have to verify with the blogging governing body (which is a high-larious statement if you blog at all!) but in the meantime I'm gonna try to comply with the requirement. I found this one which seemed pretty harmless. I hope, when I'm finished, that you feel like you know me oh so much better then before.

A- Available or single?

Either you know the answer to this already, you're new (welcome! the only seat we have left is the furry beanbag chair. Sorry about that) or you're our very special friend whom we will eventually have to protect from the bullies who pick on special friends. How fast do you run?

B- Best Friend?
All hail that dang Queen!

C- Cake or Pie?
In the words of Roy Blount, Jr., by way of the movie Michael:
"Pie, pie. Me oh my.
Nothing tastes sweet,
Wet, salty and dry
All at once so well as pie.
Apple and pumpkin and mince and black bottom,
I'll come to your place every day if you've got 'em.
(official disclaimer: don't like pumpkin OR mince, but it does fill out the stanza nicely...)

D- Drink of Choice?
Pepsi, preferably from a glass bottle, but alternatively an aluminum can. From plastic? Feh! I've been known to place a pretty cold can of Pepsi into a freezer for up to an hour in order to reach that mythic level of cold where the soda pseudo-freezes upon hitting the air, and you get those perfect little ice crystals floating amongst the bubbles. There ain't nothin' better.

E- Essential Item?
Oxygen? Gravity? What kind of a question is this? Food? (I was gonna say water, but I can't stand the stuff.) chocolate-covered mint Oreos? (so NOT the same as just food!)

F- Favorite Color?
Why must we always reduce everything to color? CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG, PEOPLE? (but don't get me started on orange -- shudder...)

G- Gummi Bears or Worms?
OK, let me answer this question with a question for any/all readers: has anyone out there actually choked down a gummy rat? I swear the dang things can't really be consumable!

H- Hometown?
OK, I started to answer this and then remembered that I'm all secret-y. So I'll just say this: your hometown is that place where you drive past a city garbage can and turn to your buddy to say "remember that night that we walked home from peeing off the fountain with those garbage can lids on our heads? Good times..."

I- Indulgence?
Yes, please.

J- January or February?
This, for me, is very simple: I get 2 days off from work in January, and I get no days off from work in February. Add to that the confusing "every 7 years we are going to ADD A DAY to this month" craziness and February can go screw itself! (wow, I had no idea there were such swirling, submerged feelings about the month pushed way down deep within me!)

K- Kids and names?
I'm in favor of kids, and I think it's a really good idea to give them names. Without names you get such confusion, ya know? You can only go with "hey, you, kid!" so many times. Could you imagine the chaos during recess? Yeah, I say kids should include names.

(minor tangent: I do feel, however, that all celebrities should be
prevented from naming their own children going forward. Some have done
pretty well (nice job Afflecks, kudos to you Quaid and Ryan) but overall they've
abused the priviledge (Banjo? Apple? Pilot Inspektor? Come on, people!) and
should have that priviledge revoked.)

L- Life is incomplete without?
A good goddamn laugh! (I so wanted to answer "the letters L, I, F and/or E." You owe me.)

M- Marriage Date?
Well obviously this would be parking the cart miles and miles in front of any kind of horse or pack animal...

N- Number of Siblings?
I've got one sister five years my senior. She's got one husband (of something like 17, 18 years), three kids (each as brilliant and gifted as the others) and a job that would close up their massive corporate shop if she dared to ever leave them. It has been just FAN-F*CKING-TASTIC following in her footsteps!

O- Oranges or apples?
Two things that you're not supposed to compare to each other? Like Volkswagons and vibrators?

P- Phobias/Fears?
I have few fears but several phobias. I'm severely dental-phobic, don't deal well with heights or large bodies of deep water and though I can deal with them when prepared, there are strict turf rules in my house for spiders, especially that they're NOT supposed to surprise me! (I bet you were all waiting for a commitment joke here, right? Too easy.)

Q- Favorite Quote?
"Peanut-butter Egg Dirt!"

R- Reason to Smile?
Because the only thing freakier then coming to work wearing a sword is coming to work wearing a sword and a smile...

S- Season?
...to taste...

T- Tag three people!
Dick Cheney, Oprah Winfrey and Prince Albert of Monaco -- go! (wow, would it not be cool if any of them actually DID THIS? A girl can dream...)

U- Unknown Fact About Me?
I once killed a man just to see him die... (crap, I wasn't supposed to tell anybody that. Curse you, damned meme! Curse you and your probing questions!)

V- Vegetable you hate?
Seriously, the list of ones I don't hate would be much, much easier. But I'll hit some biggies: peas (so dang nasty that everyone in my family believes I'm allergic because it's easier then constantly explaining how I could hate peas) and tomatoes (I'm fairly sure that this is not really a food, but actually the larval stage of a massive alien invasion. You remember where you heard it first when you're worshipping your red, slimy overlords...)

W- Worst habit?
Well NOW I'd have to say "posting meme's on my blog" but as of yesterday I'd say it's my habit of trying to make absolutely everything into a joke. (hear the one about the massive genocide in Darfur?)

X- X-Rays you've had?
foot or ankle, elbow and many, many dental shots. And is it just me, or is there some kind of rule that the technician has to find the (sorry, meant to say THE) most painful position for you to have to hold while they snap the shot? Sadistic bastards.

Y- Your favorite food?
Just one? Come now! I'll compromise: one from each of the classic food groups. Dairy: 2% milk, ice cold. Fruits and veggies: baby corns in a really tasty chinese food or thai sauce. Breads and cereals: tie between asiago bagel and Cap'n Crunch w/ Crunch Berries. Meats: Salmon. Junkfood: cheese fries!

Z- Zodiac?
OK, I'll answer this but I DON'T want to get a bunch of emails or comments from folks who are so very not surprised to find that I'm a Taurus. I know I'm the epitomy of this sign. I was also born in the year of the dog, so apparently that makes me a bull/dog. So very odd that guys aren't lined up outside my door, eh?

...so there you are. I did it, I added a meme. I wish I could promise it's the only one you'll ever see here, but I don't want to lie to you. And after all, I'm weak at heart. Forgive me.