Hey, Wove.com. We need to talk. Could you sit?
Look, I don't think this is a surprise to either of us at this point. I think you and I have both been doing our best here, I really do. We've been trying really hard, but it's just not working out. I think we need to start seeing others.
I don't want you to beat yourself up about this. I know you really wanted this to work, I know it. And I could see by the different things that you tried; you were thinking outside the box and I appreciate that. (unfortunately you were also thinking outside, oh so far outside, of my geographical boundaries, but we won't talk about that now...) But even with your "flexible matching" and my sending out questions after questions after questions, we're still no closer then when we started! And I'm just tired of the yelling and the smashing on the keyboard and the calling of names... (That was all me, I know. I'm still sick of it.)
It isn't you, Wove.com, it's not. It's me! I'm just really hard to match! I'm pushy and opinionated and have you seen how big the feet, how large the eyebrows, how wide the caboose? So many challenges! You, you're a great online relationship site and I know, I KNOW that somewhere out there is a great girl - or guy! - who's just dying for you to fix them up. You're gonna get past this, I know you will.
Don't say that! You will find someone else to match! No, I won't sit here and listen to you bad mouth yourself, just because you were never able to find anyone for me to talk to and the few that you did find never wrote back and nobody ever had pictures and you tried to get me to date people living over 5 driving hours away AND you charged an arm and a leg for all of this! It's not about all of that! (no it's not. I'm not sure why, I just know it isn't. Now shut up, you're breaking my flow.) Where was I? Oh right, I was telling you that you ARE a great site, and you can't give up just because you completely failed with me. Completely. (man, that really was one hell of a swing and a miss, eh?)
Look, I really hope that there's no hard feelings about this? I really want us to stay in touch. And when I say that I mean I hope to hell that I don't get spammed by you constantly from this point forward in a stupid and desperate attempt to get me to come back. I want us to both look back at this as a valuable time spent, but it's over and I won't be coming back. You should move on to the next match and I will too.
Hmm? What? Who, that website behind me? Oh, that's Yenta.com. Yeah, we just met today. I don't know where it's going; it's so new and everything. But I really have a good feeling about this. Oh, don't do that! Don't be that website! You're better then that! Just let it go, ok?
Oh, and hey? Take care of yourself.