They attract like a flower; I attract like a bug zapper.

OK, so we’re sitting around waiting for baby. And we’ve covered movies and television and books and “man, I’m really tired. Are you guys tired? I’m tired…” and now we’re covering that required long, long, super-comfortable silent time.

And then somebody (probably me) brilliantly goes “Hey, Femtastic had a date!” Such a thrilling topic of conversation. Well, you read the post, right? And then you had the required follow-up nap? From the boredom? From the post? Right? That post.

Anyhoo, we chat about the date and how it was pretty boring and fairly ho hum and not much to talk about, except for the part where he thought that “hey, I’ve had to flee the state to avoid being shanked for drug money I’d pilfered not just once, but three times” was appropriate first-date conversation matter when it is clearly more of a 4th-date story!, but otherwise hoing and humming (and that didn’t sound as dirty in my head before I typed it) and it’s all good.

And then suddenly we’re in this weird tangent where my lovely, lovely, super-beautiful bestest friends start to tell me that the reason that I’m single is simply because I’m not doing enough to change it, and that I’m sitting around at home waiting for wove to be delivered to me like a pizza (mmm, deep-dish, Hawaiian-flavored wove…) and that I should take advantage of their years of wove-having experience. Because the experiences of two ravishing, vavavoomish hottie-mc-hot-hots have so much to teach me.

Seriously, though, I have to admit that this whole thing kind of ticked me off. I know my chums are being nothing but supportive, and that they really want me to find wove. They may want it more then I do? Maybe that’s what they’re talking about when they say that I’m not doing enough. Because I know they can’t be saying I should be actively doing more then I already am because DAMN! Give a sister some credit for doing a ton of crap already!

Here’s the part that bugged me: “Listen to us because we’ve got more experience at this then you do.” They do have more experience at having relationships and wove and baum-chikka-baum-baum because I think I mentioned that these are truly fabulous-looking women? And hotties? And I think I mentioned that their vavooms are all va-va-va-ey? I’m talking more then just amazing looks. They’re engaging and hypnotic and sexy and they’ve got “it” and call it what you will, but as long as I’ve known them they’ve never lacked for attention. From boys, from men… from women… from stray cats, dust bunnies, the smell of a summer’s day… They attract! They’re attractive! It’s the way of their people!

And that’s totally excellent for them. Not to mention quite a lot of fun for me. I’ve spent the years standing back and marveling from the sidelines. Not just at the sheer attraction thing, but at the stupidity that their levels of “wow” can cause in others. A guy once rode his bike into a light pole! Dead on, right into a 20-foot pole! Because he decided that made more sense then “stop looking at the amazing women in their Halloween costumes, dude!” I’ve actually enjoyed this show for years.

But it has nothing directly to do with me.

See me? I’m the funny one. (I am too, and you can just shut it. But please laugh first, because I’m the funny one.) I’m the bold one, and the foolish one and the one just crazy enough to do the crazy things. But I don’t attract people; not like they do. I’ll not have someone come to me first; it just isn’t going to happen. In 37 years the only relationships or even hints of relationships that I’ve had all started with me. If I’m ever going to have a connection it’s going to be because I stepped up and made the first move. And that’s just not the experiences that my beautiful, magnetic, hypnotic friends have had. For them it’s a matter of letting the outside world know when it’s ok to approach and make a move. For me it’s all about making the move.

But in the end I think this: how much they must love me to not see the difference, and to think I’m playing the same game that they are. When they say “listen to our years of experience.” I just hear “we think you’re amazing too, baby.” To that I only have this to say: thanks, ladies!