Thursday, June 26, 2008

The dangers of wreaking excessive irony.

OK, the first thing I should stipulate here is that so far today my morning has SUCKED. I overslept by over 30 minutes, and of course on a morning where I have to be in super-early for this big, honkin’ meeting so I CANNOT be late and it’s overcast which may be why I can feel a migraine headache sneakily stalking me morning. (if you look over behind that lamp post you’ll see the migraine pretending to read an upside down girly magazine) The big, honkin’ meeting was rocky, to say the least, and it was one of those rare ones where I spent most of it having no idea what the hell the group was talking about. Which would be fine except I’m taking minutes, so I have to understand enough about what is being discussed to summarize it. Oh, and also correctly – did I mention that? That I have to summarize correctly? Yeah. So I know the rest of the day will be spent trying to make sense of 10 pages worth of “Wha?” Which I hate. And then two people nagged me about something which they were totally entitled to do except CRAPPY MORNING, so it made me even more cranky.

And the migraine just sat down in the bus seat behind me. sigh.

All of this to say that everything I’m about to cover is little and silly and petty. UNLESS you’ve had a crappy, crappy morning which has left you with no sense of humor and a dire need for yummy breakfast foodness.

I walk into the office kitchen to indulge in a little raspberry muffin, left-over from this morning’s meeting, because I goshdamn deserve it and because you can't translate "Wha?" on an empty stomach. Only here I find a co-worker. She’s on her cell phone, she’s barefoot (shudder) and she’s standing in front of the excess breakfast goodies. Is she gathering food and leaving? Oh no, because that would require her to be aware that there are other people. Anywhere. In the whole world. No, she’s standing in front of the food, chatting away and just nibbling at the muffins and bagels there. And chatting. And being all shoeless. And BLOCKING MY ACCESS TO MY MUFFINS! Trying to be a civilized member of society, I stand back and wait for her to get her food and leave.

She’s all:

“Oh I know! Can you believe that? I totally know. (nom, nom, nom) She just doesn’t think, right? Never thinks! (nom, nom, yummy bagel) It’s like she thinks she’s the only person on the whole planet, right? Totally! (nom, nom, top of muffin is best, nom, nom, leave muffin bottom behind, nom, nom) I totally know. It makes me so crazy, right? I know.”

At this point an irony-induced hysteria caused me to leap on her head and scoop out her very small brain with a plastic spoon. WOMAN, GET YOUR SHOES ON AND YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR NETHER REGION AND GET AWAY FROM MY TASTY BREAKFAST TREATS! MY PRECIOUS!! MY BREAKFAST FOODIES!!! Luckily blood and brain goo go ok on a savory bagel and muffin bottom.

And I totally see you, Mr. Migraine.

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