Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Matches? We don't need no stinkin' MATCHES!

OK, so I’ve been through the matches. There were something like 20 of them when I first checked in! I thought “Man, I am some extra-matchable kind of chick! Lookit me matchin’! Matchy-Matchy-MATCH BABY! Twoo Wove in no time!”

Then I noticed that about 1/2 of them had already sent me “thanks but no thanks” emails. So nice that my good friends at E-Melody take the time to send me pre-rejected matches, thereby saving me all that pesky time normally spent reviewing their profiles and getting excited at the prospect of them and maybe dreaming a little dream where you meet and they look like Robert Redford and talk like Paul Newman and their biggest worry about you as a potential mate is that you won’t be able to spend all of their big, heaping heaps of cash as fast as they absolutely MUST be SPENT. Much better to see that it took them all of about 16 minutes to run away, away, away. MUCH better.

I also love how they insist that you look at the “reason” that you’ve been rejected before you can just make the rejections GO AWAY. Most of the reasons were the same as that which I have used: “Other” (because they don’t have a pre-fabricated rejection reason for “Your favorite movies were “Deliverance” and “Dude, Where’s My Car?” or “I already lived with my mother – I don’t want to live with yours”, let ALONE “you look like Nick Nolte’s mug shot”) The one(s) that were more specific were Michael (not his real name), who rejected me because of our different family backgrounds (I come from Europeans, he comes from jerks who pre-reject people) and Del (not his real name too) who rejected me because he’s pursuing another relationship (with his hand. HO!!!!)

You don’t think I’m taking these rejections personally, do you? Me neither.

ANYWAY, after I closed the fabulous rejection connections I was left with about 10 or so guys who either still might think I’m match-worthy or don’t realize there’s the pre-rejection option. I started looking through them and in a word? AWESOME. (another possible word: celibacy! I also like “dies alone!” but it’s too many words, so…)

My favorite is the guy who is 1) shorter than me, 2) possibly naked in the picture? And 3) LIVES IN A COMMUNE. Having read his profile now about 16 times I still cannot for the LIFE of me figure out why we were a match. I’m officially doubting the relationship wizards and their systems if they can find a single thing in common between myself and someone who could keep a straight face while typing “I'm looking for a woman who can navigate the rapids and enjoy the calm, serene waters of a relationship.” Oh yeah, and did I mention COMMUNE? Imagine how awkward it is when your date has a roommate. Now imagine the roommate is a family of 6, their compost heap, their rain stick and their goat named “Mr. Crystal Hope Rainbow.” (if this self-sustaining living collective is rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’, but DO attempt to use our kinetic energy as a new power source!)

The rest of the group was a disappointing collection of invisible men (want some lovin’? SHOW YOUR FACE, DAMMIT!) with some wee bits of possible potential (but still no picture) and guys who posted pictures, and probably should not have. (Note: just because you CAN post a picture of you shirtless does not mean that you SHOULD.) After 30 minutes of checking the matches I realized that this experiment is doomed because I’m suspicious of those who DON’T post photos, but turned off by most who do.

And then there was the guy who sent me questions.

This means that one of my matches looked at my info and thought “hey, this could be interesting. I will interrogate her for possible future love.” Nothing much to look at and all, but for the sake of the experiment, the project, the FRIGGIN’ PILE OF MONEY I SPENT TO JOIN I’m going to answer the questions. We’ll see where it goes from there.

And of COURSE I’ll post about the interrogation! Sheesh! What do you think we’re DOING here?

1 comment:

Bridget said...

Oh, I can't wait!!!

Different family backgrounds?!?
What you have a family and he doesn't? WTF?