Thursday, October 02, 2008


September was my month to "clean" the "kitchen" at work again. Its a joyous thing because I not only get to go through our little mini-fridge and do away with the scores of lost, abandoned and rogue foodstuffs, but I also get to mock my co-workers for their negligent food care-takery.

Here, for your reading enjoyment, is my debrief after the 2008 fall fridge free-for-all:


Once again we have a fridge that is so very, very clean that you could actually even store things to EAT in it! And since I had such a positive reaction to last year’s list of “Things learned” from this experience I figured I should share again. Never let it be said that you cannot learn new things even while doing something that makes you wish you were totally, totally dead. Please to enjoy…


Things I learned THIS TIME while cleaning out the kitchen fridge:
  • There are some exciting new products out there that I had not heard of. They include:
  • Kraft’s Honey Dijon wallpaper paste, guaranteed not to let your wallpaper come off. Ever. (seriously, ever. You’ll burn down this house and the wallpaper will still stand.)
  • Ranch-flavored ice cream, complete with icee crystals on the top and a festive red tint to the edges (which screams like boiled lobsters when you wash it down the sink)
  • Yoplait Blackberry slow-setting cement – just add cold and lots of time.
  • Chunky’s new Petrified Beef and Noodle Soup (chisel not included)
  • Ever still our department’s love for the un-eaten yogurt continues unabated. I believe now that we may have a grassroots “Save The Yogurt!” campaign happening right under our noses, where we flock to the stores and buy yogurt in order to protect them from ever, EVER being viciously consumed!
  • Did you know (because I didn’t!) that there is a flavor of Jello which, if left alone long enough, will eventually smell like a combination of cumin and the blood of a thousand lost souls? True story!
  • The noodles used in Lean Cuisine’s Fettuccini Alfredo can, in some cases, attain a sort of animation, nay even life, and attach themselves to your skin, say if you were unfortunate enough to let one get on you.
  • In such cases the appropriate response is to flail your hand over the garbage frantically while screaming like a little girl
  • Neither action will get the noodle/attack worm off, but it does make you feel a little better about your chances for survival
  • Eventually you will have to have the noodle/worm-attacked hand removed.
Let’s see how long it takes for the box of cold to get filled up this time…

-Lefty McOneHand

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