Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Hello Internets -- Are you Ready to ROCK?!?!

I confess: I have joined the ranks of the Guitar Heroes. I didn’t want to, and I fought it. I tried to be all individual and jaded and “stupid Guitar Hero...” and sneer ala Billy Idol at those playing and bouncing around. This tactic worked great right up until they put the axe in my hand.

Damn you, Pat Benatar, and your catchy-yet-spirited anthym for the every woman telling the every man what’s what! One time through “Hit me with your best shot!” and I was hooked. (picture me jamming, while simultaneously shaking my fist at the heavens)

One of my preconceived notions about the game was that it just shouldn’t be that hard, because after all it’s not like you’re playing a real guitar! It’s 5 buttons and a toggle bar. And people, 5 buttons and a toggle bar does not a guitar make! (not even with the whammy bar and the snazzy, rock-centric stickers.) However apparently 5 buttons and a toggle bar are more than enough to kick MY ass! (stupid buttons)

By the end of the night, though, I’d found some kind of groove and jammed my ass almost 100% through Schools out for Summer by Ms. Alice Cooper (funny-looking girl, but lovely singing voice) in one shot. Lookit me, I’m a rock star! Take that Pete Townsend! Take that Edgey-poo! It ain’t so tough!

(What’s that? There are other levels beyond “easy”? No thanks, I’m good. Also I know there’s bonus points for free-styling and what not, but I’m apparently much more comfortable with my “no-styling” mojo. Thanks all the same.)

So THEN I go to my sister’s house. I wait patiently until those pesky children finally go to bed – then it was the grups turn to rock it hard, my friend. Because the sister, she has Rock Band. Or, as I like to call it, Guitar Hero and his friends Drum Champion and Master of all Microphones battle the evil Doctor Tonedeaf and his minions of no rhythm! And battle we did! Never before have Blue Oyster Cult or Nirvana been rocked by a more style-less, dorkytastic trio! All of the Rolling Stones were spinning in their graves; even though I think they're all still alive.

Now it cracks me up how I’ll hear a song on the radio and I’ll be listening for that awesome guitar line I totally know how to play. Play on 5 buttons. And a toggle bar.

Thank you, and good night!!!

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