Saturday, April 07, 2007

APPARENTLY I have needs...

There's this new meme blazing through the blogosphere and it's very, very simple: you type your name and "needs" into google and see what you get. Initially I feared going off-mission, but this one just kept veering back towards mission and so I saw it as a good precursor to releasing the "100 things About Me" list. Before you find out what I think I'm all about, let's see what the World Wide Web thinks I'm all about, shall we? Woohoo!!

"Femtastic needs to get real stoned" What amuses me here is not the idea that I need to get stoned, but that I need to get real stoned. Like all the stoned-getting I've been doing so far has been entirely too half-assed. Like my getting stoned is being critiqued here, ya know?
"Femtastic needs a lot of assistance with self help skills such as toileting" So, just so I'm clear here: Toileting is a skill?
"Femtastic needs to make sure that "caddie-father" doesn't turn into a dirty word" Hey, you're not the boss of me, you caddie-father you!!
"Femtastic needs your help" Like that's news to any of you guys...
"Femtastic NEEDS its own whale NOW" I want to complain about being described as "its" but then I might not get my OWN WHALE! I'm getting my OWN WHALE!
"Femtastic Needs Buttons!!!!!!" For the whale...
"Femtastic needs a home" Big enough to fit in the whale...
"Femtastic needs to have his butt whipped in order to “straighten him out”." I'd like the scores of people who have thought this for years to please line up. Right next to the whale!
"Femtastic needs to beat matt again more than matt needs to beat Femtastic" I wonder if it's fair to put this out there w/out giving this 'Matt' guy a chance to chime in. If you're Matt please let me know how much you need to beat me. And then I'm kickin' your ass, ya Caddie-Father!
"Femtastic needs someone who knows how to handle horses on the ground" I'm cool with the flying horses -- it's just the earth-bound ones that are flummoxing me.
"Femtastic needs to learn to use his imagination" I don't know, it's got to be a pretty good sign about my imagination that I'm both referring to myself in the third person AND as a dude!
"Femtastic needs a nap" AMEN MY BROTHAH!!!
"Femtastic needs suctioning" Is that what you crazy kids are calling it these days? Naughty!
"Femtastic needs to do this, Femtastic needs to do that" (nag, nag, nag...)
"i dont think Femtastic needs to kill anymore people" I don't think you get to make that decision! (needless to say, now you must die. caddie-father.)
"Femtastic needs to engage in criminal conspiracy to make money?" My favorite part of this one? That it's a question! Like we're running this idea up the flagpole to see if anybody salutes? Criminal conspiracy? Anyone? Anyone?
"Femtastic needs to stay on top of the ball" Dirty...
"Femtastic needs some cash to buy Lydia a present" (obviously Lydia wrote this one. Greedy damned caddie-father...)
"Femtastic needs a title" I'm thinking something along the lines of 'Magical Captain of all Wonderment and Googleplotzing' (esquire)
"Femtastic needs to stay hot" Stay Hot? Stay Hot?
"Femtastic needs to adopt a sense of urgency and attack better on the ground" For the love of God, someone find me a man! STAT!!! (stat is Doctor-speak for "now")

Up next: 100 things. About Femtastic!!!

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