Tuesday, April 24, 2007


It just seems to me that if I'm not using the equipment I shouldn't have to go through the hassle of maintaining it.

For instance, if I've not done more then piddle with my private region in the last decade I should be exempt from having to schedule Gyno appointments, let alone go to them. No cold things in warm places, no poking where I've not been poked, I should be given a "get out of Gyno free" card!

The same thing with mammograms. Someone asked me recently how long it had been since my last mammogram, and when I replied with the totally reasonable answer of "so I should have had one by now?" they were all shocked of face! As though I'd replied "well, I think the last one was right after I shot that priest but before I set fire to all of those puppies..." No priests were shot, no puppies set ablaze, and yet such a look was I given!

I mean, if you buy a car and drive it around for a couple of years, and then you park it in the garage for a decade, you shouldn't have to drive it over to the mechanic every year for a check up, right? I understand that when you decide to start up that car again after being idle so long that it will probably not start right away, and may take some tender care to get it to turn over. I'm ready for that, should I ever take this old jalopy out for another spin. (Man, I sure hope you guys are clear on the analogy I'm going for here. Or else I'll get emails claiming that I went off-mission with no warning!)

To take the time and the money and all to schedule appointments for fun things like my gynocologist or the special, special experience that is the mammogram... It just seems like a vicious joke. I say if you have to keep up the up-keep then the doctor's office should have a complimentary "refresher" that the offer. Right there in the office. Have some handsome, young buck named something like "Turk" or "Hans" who is skilled in the ways of... oh you know...
"using the equipment..."
"dusting off the furniture..."
"exercising the pony..." (seriously, I could populate an encyclopedia of these.)
"waxing the porsche..."
"fluffing the pillows..."
"using the guest soaps..." (last one.)
"driving the submarine..."

For a service like that (sanctioned by a doctor, so you know it's healthy and all) I would pay a little more. And it would be reserved for those who aren't gettin' any at home. If you've got a dude and he's watcha call unskilled you can't use the service! In that situation you have to either skill your man or just stop using him. No fair double-dippin'!

Sigh. For now I guess I should find a gynocologist and make an appointment for a tune-up.

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