Sunday, November 09, 2008

Pants-wearing optional, racism a deal-breaker and other shocking developments...

So I know that I’ve never gone this far w/ a match on E-Melody before because I’m only just now beginning to think that this feels a lot like school. Like “falling in love homework” Like E-Melody is some online teacher who keeps sending me home with a new assignment. “Very nice job on your first three questions – solid B+. Now before our next class please search your soul and bring me a dozen things that you cannot live without, as well as another dozen things that you just cannot stand.” Because after there are questions and more questions then there are the Must Haves and the Can’t Stands.

Also I have to say this particular exercise just seems silly. I mean if you explained to me the various steps to finding Twoo Wove via onlineness this one would have seemed sound – compare those things that you either really must have in a mate (needs to have a head – neck-onlys need not apply!) as well as those things that you really cannot abide (anybody who shoots snot rockets really should die alone! I’m serious!) But then when you get to this step it seems silly! Because it’s not these kind of unique things, but instead it’s stuff that I have to categorize as “Ummm, DUH!”

The good news, though, was that I apparently created my list when I set up the initial profile, so at least this step was EASY. I went through the list, which I made almost 2 years ago and which I honestly don’t remember making, and can’t really even be sure I did make, because although I agree with the list WHO WOULDN’T????
Minor tangent: I’m sorry so many of the recent posts are so listy. I read them later and I cringe with all the listiness, and I promise myself that there will be no more posts which are just me telling you EVERYTHING TO THE LAST DETAIL of what E-Melody is like. Guh. But I’m sorry, I cannot seem to avoid it this time either. But next time I will! I promise! If the next blog post is all listfull you can go ahead and… read it and love it and tell your friends? Please don't go away...
Examples of things that I can’t live without include:

Emotionally Healthy: I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else. (Not me, I want someone who can’t make it through a coffee commercial without sobbing and who insists that I enter the room backwards just in case he can’t face me at that moment.)
Communicator: I must have someone who is good at talking and listening. (Wait, talking AND listening? Where DUST THOU get these impossible expectations? I suppose you want someone who can both chew AND swallow too, eh? Ridiculous!)
Loyal: must have someone I can count on to always support me. (Or, failing that, please don’t make faces behind my back when I’m talking at parties. Or at least let me come in to the parties, rather than sitting in the car. Or at least let me get in the car. Instead of the trunk. This time.)
Spirit of Volunteerism: must have a partner who shares my willingness to volunteer and support community and/or social causes. (…ok, I have no response to this one. I seriously don’t remember picking this one. But I guess I’d better start volunteering and supporting community and/or social causes. …crap.)
Kindness: I must have a partner who is gentle and kind. (WHO WOULD NOT WANT THIS? This has to have been an “ok, I'm out of other options, guess I’ll pick the “kind” one. It’s either this one or “generally likes to wear pants when out of the house.”)

…The Can’t Stand options were much the same, and rather than my listing them let me nutshell it by telling you that I’m apparently not willing to date someone who is a boorish, depressed, mean-spirited, arrogant racist. And apparently you need to stipulate this. Because apparently there are some women out there who WANT THESE THINGS? Who are these women? And do they really need to spend $50 a month to go online and FIND these things? Are the boorish, depressed, mean-spirited, arrogant racist men of the world really such rare, precious gems that you have to search and search and search for? REEEAAALLLYYY????

I sent him my lists, because that was the current homework assignment, and in about 2-3 days he sent me HIS lists. And again to not list things I will nutshell it and say that he is ALSO looking for an emotionally healthy, kind and funny communicator, and especially does not want to date a lying, cheating, arrogant, foul-mouthed racist. (gosh, I wonder where all the racists go to find love? Is there an E-Purity website out there somewhere?)

And now I have a new assignment: sending YET MORE QUESTIONS. But we’ll cover that next. For now I have to go tell the other 10 guys that I’m already dating some story about my not being awesome enough for them (ha!) so that they’ll go the f*ck away. (good thing I’m not racist.)


Rachel said...

I seriously think you should have sent the list with the added commentary! No, really! ROTFLMAO! Because it is just so YOU. :) Love you!

Bridget said...

Oooh! I totally second that!