Tuesday, February 06, 2007

the dimensions of the pickings

So I promised before a quick breakdown of what we're seeing on Yenta.com so far. The pickings, as they say. I won't lie to you: Brad Pitt is NOT looking for any E-Lovin' in my fair town. Or if he is he has used his worst possible pictures.

But on an upside, at least there ARE pictures! Yes, there are far more folks with faces on this avenue. You do a search (looking for dudes, this general area, between "can you even buy beer yet?" and "so when do you start receiving your social security checks?") and you get this list of faces staring out at you. And there are several very popular poses you'll find:

-Dude with pet -- "see, I have a softer side!"
-Dude doing hobby -- "see, I am more then just my work (despite what my damned ex-wife is always saying. Take this, beotch!)"
-Dude needed to take some pictures for Yenta.com -- his arm in the foreground; cheesy, forced smile
-Dude should have taken some pictures just for Yenta.com -- is it just me, or did this picture used to be of two people? Note the hand just being cut off the edge, and the wedding band there on.

I'm pretty baffled by the number of guys who think that 'unwashed' was the right fashion choice. Or even better, that 'shirtless' is the look to find your great love. Especially the ever-classy 'shirtless with exceptional beer belly.' SO want to introduce you to the folks!

Now here's the part that I finally figured out, and which has me over-thinking everything: when I look at someone's profile THEY GET TO KNOW ABOUT IT. There's a thing that shows you "who's viewed you." Firstly I thought "oh cool!" and was pretty amazed that the number so far was 12 people. Look at me bringing in the dudes! So I started going through the list and clicking on a few to see what they were about. Next time I went to the site there were 30 folks who'd peeked. I'm ever so very popular am I! And hey, look at that: the ones on the top of the list are the same dudes that I reviewed the last time. What are the odds? (no, I really hadn't figured it out by this point. Did I tell you that "smart" came up not even once when I was touting my qualities on the profile?)

A day or so later I go back to check the list again and wow, 45 dudes! And wow again, there are those same fellows at the top of the list and OH MY GOD THEY CAN TELL THAT I VIEWED THEM TOO! And now I'm something I didn't realize I was being, at least as far as they can see. I'm desperate or slutty or flirting or I don't know, but it just freaked me out that every time I look at someone's profile they know about it!

(Wait, it gets better, and also more ridiculous)

And now I'm afraid to click on prospective profiles because I don't want them to know I looked. Seriously! I start to click their picture and the voice in my head says "hold it, are you sure you want them to think you like them? Because you're not even sure that you like them, so do you want to give them that idea?" OR WOULD YOU RATHER SPEND THE TIME AND MONEY ON THIS SITE AND THEN PLAY HARD TO GET TO THE POINT OF BEING AN E-HERMIT!!!!

So now I'm crafting an additional paragraph to add to my profile, because I feel like it's something important about me that I've not covered. It's going something like this:

"I think you could say that I'm witty and bright, and I'm most definitely a GRADE-A WACKADOO. This is your first and last warning, my friends: run as far and as fast as you can from this total nutbag now, while I don't have any real contact information for you! For no sanity has tainted this, the most BRLBRLBRLBRLBRLBR (sound of finger running over lips) of dipsy-doodles! If you take even one more step in my direction all subsequent stalking, tire slashings and voodoo dolls are on you, got it? ON. YOU."

And have a nice day. (but at least I'm clean and shirtful in all of my pictures. Most of my pictures,)


Queenie said...


Do not be afraid woman, go forth!

But seriously, LOL!

Jennifer said...

That is so funny. I am still laughing. Seriously. I would totally be paranoid about them knowing I'd viewed their profiles too.