Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I keep waiting for him to say "kidding..."

OK, so I'm trying to develop a schedule to check Match.com. Because, after all, I did (accidentally) pay for this additional 3 months so I should be making the best of it, right? (shut up. Seriously. No kidding, stop the laughing. Too mean. Way to mean...) I just kind of forget I should be paying attention to it, and it's not like there's much happening to remind me to check in. So I need to make sure I'm paying attention, because there's an argument to be made that at any time a possible Mr. Right could pop on to the site, feel unnoticed and pop right back off. All while I'm not checking because I'm watching people playing Human Tetris on YouTube.

So I'm checking.

Now see, I've been there often enough, and the cast of characters changes seldom enough, that I really only need to skim the surface and look for new faces.

Today there was a new face, and his newness gave me the hopes! He was not only new, but with faceness too! A non-invisible, non-vampire (what is the story there -- they have no reflections, so do they show on film? Anyone? Anyone?), non-cameraless new guy who could be my special someone. Oh a flutter! A twitter! A swoon and preen and preeky-eekle, click on him quick!

At this time I learn an important lesson: don't swoon or preen or preekle until you read the profile. Because seriously, I get it: the dude likes sex. I GET IT.

The only thing Mr. Manly Man could do to drive home the point more (sorry, couldn’t resist) would be to have his primary picture be of his rock-hard schwangadoodle aiming due-north! It’s weird enough that his pictures include a long shot of his bare legs (are we saying “look how hot my legs are!”? No, we are not.) and also a shot of him posing in front of your gym. Because “look, I’m all rock hard. ALL rock hard.” (“see, I’m making another sexual reference there. With the rock. And the hard. And hey, want to have some sex?”)

But just in case his subtle, not-too-obvious, not at all smacking you in the face pictures weren’t really coming across, here are some items he thought fit to include in his profile:
“My perfect match is just as comfortable in a little black dress as she is in running tights. She will share bio rythms first and possibly fluids later. She is educated and independent but down to earth. She is high energy and has a little freak in her.”
Translation: “I’m all about the body. Yours, mine – it don’t matter. But you will need to be all model-lookin’ and also be in to things that I could later include in my monthly (so far fictional) letters to Penthouse. If you are a hot pizza delivery girl, a hot copy machine repair girl or a hot Jehova’s Witness that would be a super bonus… Oh, and read or do math or something.”

"I like endorfins. I get them by running for a couple of hours usually, but other aerobic activities with the right partner are more fun."

Translation: "Did I mention that I work out? Did you see the pictures of me being gymmish? Gymful? Gymtastic? I really don't think I can stress enough how sexy I think it must be that I'm a worker-outer. Also, and I want to be very, very clear here: sex is excellent and hot and I don't get to have it very often, so maybe we could mostly send dirty emails to each other and then skip the first date and just have some sex. Or I could pick up some low-fat yogurt or fat-free chips. (How do you feel about anal leakage?) Don't forget that I'm hot and that sex burns calories!"

"Favorite things: Hard bodies and soft hearts."

Translation: "I hope that you're a loving person. Loving sex, that is! (did you get that I am really horny? REALLY, TREMENDOUSLY horny!)"

I feel both very self-confident and also very self-controlled right now. And also right now I don't miss sex at ALL. I sure hope he finds that inhibition-free, size 2 aerobics instructor real soon. Don't give up, Mr. Manly Man -- she's out there!

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