Monday, July 23, 2007

Looking for Lawrence of Arabia, getting Larry the Cable Guy

Ya know how 2 weeks ago I said I was gonna take a break from the manhunt? Yeah, well as I feared no sooner did I decide that then the free and local online dating site spit out several "hey baby!" connections. Because irony has such a messed up sense of humor. And so I went to check them out, because if they're coming to me the LEAST I can do is meet them half way!

Apparently the type that I attract is something like this:
  • Cowboy hat
  • moustache, no beard
  • wears cammo. In the city.
  • enjoys hunting/fishing/other death-oriented hobbies
  • wants to treat someone like a queen/goddess/right purty filly
  • has 2-6 kids that just might need a new baby mama
  • bears a striking resemblence to someone who just might have an interest in gettin' er done.


I'm not trying to be picky, although I'm sure that's how I sound. And I'm not expecting Brad Pitt or Robert Redford or even Robert DeNiro or even Robert Wagner! But how 'bout not Robert the unemployed manure salesman? How 'bout not Bobby the trophy snipe hunter? How 'bout not Bobbo the trained monkey? 'kay? Really? How 'bout?

I'm gonna work with the idea that I should take the time to fill in more of my blanks on the freebie matchmaking site. Really all they know about me is girl, age, location, not dead, likes boys, homo sapien. Doesn't give them too much to work with. And who knows, maybe there's a box I can check that say's things like "no dudes who enjoy gutting anything." or "not interested in learning to appreciate "chawin' tabacki" or "anyone who says grace over a bag of Cheetos need not apply." (although to be clear: Cheeto enthusiasts are very welcome! Yeah, wipe me all over with that fake, neon-orange powder-o-wove, baby! ...sorry, too much?)

The other trend that just keeps being true is that if they're cute they're also looking for someone who can "keep up with them" as they bike the Rocky Mountains or free-climb the Space Needle. I don't think the right person for me would consider teaching a turbo-spinning class a reasonable hobby. I'm more looking for someone who thinks that learning to pick up socks with your toes is a reasonable hobby. I'd just like them to be kinda cute while they're walking off that foot cramp. (be a man!)

So as of tonight I return to the hunt by fleshing out my profile with (hmmph. Fleshing out. Dirty.) I'll tell them what I want and don't want and then I'm sure they'll come knocking on my (email) door and say "what ho, we have foundeth for you yon stallion of beautiest brow and galliant heart! He doth profess much wove for you and asks do you feel the same?" And I will reply forsooth:

"I'm sorry, did you call me a ho?"

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