Wednesday, August 01, 2007

You lookin' at me?

So my attempt to find exactly the right guy for me kind of,... what's the word? Oh yeah, hit the old crapparoo! Mostly because I'm just not looking for Mr. Right+family. Also, I'm pretty much a bottom and I cannot support that many people on me. Bad for the back.

Tonight I noticed there's a "reverse search" button. Apparently I could come at this from the other direction, and rather then ask to see the guys who are "perfect" for me I could look at the guys for whom I would be perfect. Now this, says I, sounds like the way to go!

Because here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking "why should I be in charge of picking the right guy? Clearly I SUCK at that! The one time I've done that in the past I wound up with a peach of a guy who's best attributes were "he hasn't hit me just yet. Also he's a really heavy sleeper, so he'll never hear me strike the match!" And since then my selection process has resulted in an extremely impressive collection of whole lotta nothin' So I should let the guys pick me! And then it will be voila - instant fish!"

I push the button.

Once again the result is... slim. In that there is only one guy. I'll go ahead and kill your suspense: we won't be picking out any china patterns. Why? What could be wrong? is it possible that I'm being just too darned picky? OR could there be bonafide reasons for me to rubber stamp this guy? What could these reasons be? (why the hell do I keep asking you guys questions like this? Don't I understand that this is not a conversation? Am I just completely addicted to question marks? Sorry, where were we...) Oh yeah, what reasons could there be for me to reject this guy? Could it be:

- that his online moniker is "daddy(something)"? I'm glad if you're excited about being a father, but when you make that your dating moniker it's saying something very different. And creepy. Creepy different.
- that he lives something like 90 min. away? Dude, I gotta think of the planet. If I started commuting 3 hours a day for a booty call I'd be removed from Al Gore's Five!
- that he doesn't have a picture? Ummm, yeah!

But those are just additional reasons.

You see, when I first clicked on to this profile the first thing I noticed (right after the creepy Daddy handle totally creeped me out right away, all creepy, but anyway) was this sentence:
"Not just any lady will do!"
Tell me, if you saw this within someone's carefully crafted profile you'd think they'd really painted a specific picture of what they're looking for, right? This is someone who does not want to waste any time on someone obviously not matching his criteria. And apparently, based on how I found him on the site, I AM his criteria! I should be that magic lady he's looking for! Maybe this could work after all!

I scrolled down and here's what his criteria says:

Age range: 18 to 65
Height: 4" to 7'11"
Build: Petite, Slender, Average, Athletic, Few Extra Pounds, Full Figured, Proportional, Body Builder, Tall and Lanky
Physical Appearance: Any
(I'm not kidding -- this info is copied and pasted directly from his profile!)
Marital status: Any
Race: Caucasian; African American; Asian; Multi-racial; Hispanic; East Indian; American Indian; Other
Religion: Any
Smoking preference: Doesn't smoke; Occasionally/Socially; Regularly; Trying to quit; Any
Drinking preference: Any
Children preference: Any
Race: Caucasian; African American; Asian; Multi-racial; Hispanic; East Indian; American Indian; Other
(you're seeing it already, right?)
Education Level: Any
Eye Color: Any
Hair Preference: Blonde; Dirty-Blonde; Light Brown; Auburn; Brunette / Brown; Strawberry Blonde; Red; Black; Salt & Pepper; White; Bald/Shaven; Subject to change without notice
Pets Owned: A dog owner; A cat owner; A reptile owner; A fish owner; A rodent owner; A bird owner; Call me Old McDonald; Petless
Political Party: Any
Sense of Humor: Any
Bests Physical Feature: Any.

Oh yes, not just any lady will do! It must be any lady except a 66 year old, 8 foot tall eskimo athiest who chain smokes, has a green mohawk and owns a pet giraffe.

and I will give up my giraffe for no man!

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