Monday, October 01, 2007

All the good ones ARE married or gay.

You know what’s a sign that someone is both cool and hot? When they look good with a tambourine.

No, sorry. Not ‘good’. Tasty. Yummish. Smackeral. FOOIIIINNEEE! (Which yes, would be pronounced “foo-eye-nee” But you know what I’m going for here. Hormones done wrecked my natural spelling abilities…) yeah, Rockstar dude rocked things with his very own band after he helped my nephew’s band do some rocking. All in all, it was a rocking weekend.

And did I mention the lovely, hot-and-cool running Fine-osity on display?

Like so?

Heck, he even makes playing a trumpet look yummy! NOT EASY, MY PEOPLES!

It was lovely, and I was tingly. Right up until my sister mentioned his girlfriend.


It would be a tremendously, marshmallow-filled lie with chocolate drizzles to say that I was shocked, or even surprised, or even mildly struck by the knowledge that hot rocker dude wasn’t single. Because here’s the dirty secret that I keep telling all of my non-single friends who are so desperate to set me up: there are no single-and-excellent dudes at my age. They’re all married, hooked up and/or gay. ALL. OF. THEM.

And my friends try to argue the point, but there’s a very simple way of proving it. I just ask them to name all of their quality male single friends our age.

The silence is the kind where mushrooms thrive and blossom and grow to be the size of VW Beetles. So Much non-answeredge. SOOO Much quiet, desperate, yet futile wracking of brains, and they always concede the point.

Not that they don’t know of a few single dudes, but they’re always those ones that they love despite their multitudes of flaws, flaws, flaws, but would never actually encourage someone that they also love to get involved with. Drinking buddy? Sure. Play cards with? Fine. Pee on the side of a bronze statue with him? Absolutely. Introduce to a girl you know? Are you MAAAAD?!?!

It is because of this phenomenon that I pretty much assume every cool, attractive or clever guy I meet is already involved, or married, or possibly “father of three with a fourth on the way.” It’s just a matter of the law of averages. And in the meantime, I can absolutely enjoy the view. And the rockin’ tambourine solo. (eat your heart out, William Shatner!)


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