Match the Fifth...

...in which I get to put on the douchebag suit.

Flashback: remember McSecondy? The dude who took one look at the little smattering of information they gave about me and knew right away that I wasn't right for him? The one who rejected me without a second thought, dismissing me like so many peanut shells on the floor of the baseball stadium of his life? Remember that douchebag?

Well today the roll of douchebag will be played by me, your very own Femtastic.

I'm gonna reject someone. And I feel like I should have guilt about it, but it's just so definitely the right thing to do that I can't work up the guilt stuff. Blame the parents.

Now I'm sure you're wondering why I would be so sure that someone is rejectable. I have not just one very good reason, but TWO. And I should mention here that having two clear reasons to bail on someone is impressive when you consider just how little the puppet masters at wove.com tell you about someone in the initial match. Here are the topic headers for what they share:

• important interests that you and "The Dude" share
• one thing "The Dude" is most passionate about
• three things which "The Dude" is most thankful for
• 3 Relationship Strengths
• The most influential person in "The Dude's" life
• "The Dude's" friends describe him as
• Three of "The Dude's" best life-skills

And in case this list gives you hope that there's knowledge to be gathered from it, let me assure you there isn't. They're mostly just various ways of wove.com saying "look how amazing this guy is! Don't you want him?" It's not as though a likely response to "The Dude's" friends describe him as" would be "Rude, Angry, possibly a serial killer."

But here I was, faced with a minor sprinkling of information which said to me oh-so-clearly "Not the dude for you!" And let me tell you, at last, why. In response to the question "one thing "The Dude" is most passionate about" there was this sentence:

"I am most passionate about making a decent effort to live a lifestyle that is congruent to my envisions. For me, this puts veganism on top of the list. "

Now the overall idea here I applaud, especially his use of "congruent." But I cannot deal with a Vegan. (the people who know me and read this blog are now wetting themselves with laughter at the sheer idea of me and a vegan. Let's give them a minute to compose themselves. How are those cuticles coming along?...) To say that I'm not a big vegetable eater is like saying that Jeffrey Dahmer had some unconventional eating habits. I'm a carnivore, people, just as was my ancestor, the Tyranasaurus Rex!

And let me clarify: I'm also absurdly fond of all animals and living things. I'm the one in the office charged with taking the spiders outside so they won't be killed. I feed squirrels along with the birds. I can't watch a movie if I know that the animal dies within it, even if the animal is the villain! (Jaws, Cujo, Godzilla remake -- all non-Femtastic-approved movies for just this reason.)

But I'm sorry, there is just nothing quite as tasty as juicy fried chicken, a succulent filet of salmon, even a simple cheeseburger. So the idea of me and a vegan (and a tremendously enthusiastic vegan at that!) is an absolute laugh riot. (It gives me his nickname, though, which I hearby dub Vegan Guy.) And yet it doesn't end there.

He also added this sentence as a follow-up to the vegan bombshell:

"Not far behind are minimalism and volunteering. "

"But Femtastic, what could you have against volunteering?" I hear you ask. Absolutely nothing. I'm very pro-volunteering. I spend 3 hours a week volunteering time for our local animal shelter myself. No, it's definitely not the volunteering.

Minimalism? How can someone be passionate about minimalism? And I'm asking this literally. If anyone has an insight as to how that could be done please chime in, because I'm just lost here. A dictionary I found defines minimalism as "Use of the fewest and barest essentials or elements." It would seem to me that passion works in a totally different direction. Could one actually say, passionately, "Wow oh wow, look at how few essentials or elements they've used here! Awesome!"

And then Vegan Guy wrapped up his answer with:

"I'm also probably far too passionate about keeping fit, that's strictly for selfish reasons."

and that's when I ran away, away, away. Because though I like the idea of being fit, for me it's more of a conceptual thing. Like wanting to be 100% honest, or entirely free of envy. Or learning how to take flight. All cool, but just just not realistic. And I'd like to be with someone who might push me a little in this area, but not so much that I'm forced to end our relationship by crushing his head with my microwave oven (after having used same oven to make a new batch of oniony tater tots, of course.)

There was one more thing, but it's more of a pet peeve then a problem. You'll notice that the question that spawned all of this bad disclosure was "one thing Vegan Guy is most passionate about." ONE THING. How many things do you count in that response? Because I count five. Five things. Five things in response to a question asking for one thing. Five times more things then were requested. 500% more stuff then he was supposed to shove into that answer box. One thing, Vegan-guy! One!!

So, I clicked the "close match" button, and I bet you think it ends there, right? Well, it does for today, but (and I've always wanted to do this!) I must say:

TO BE CONTINUED