Monday, November 20, 2006

Must Stands, Can't Haves...

I had messages from today. Not one, but two! The fancy-pants makers of sayings would call this that 'feast' part of the equation, after all the famine we've been tangoing through. We had the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" from Princey (for the last time, I'm not telling you where the nickname comes from! Secret is secret, dammit!) in record time! (To be fair, he's the first to do this, so he both sets and breaks the record. Oh hell, he IS the record.)

From Princey's lists of "Must Haves" there were several items that... gave me pause. Not red flags like "Must Have 6 legs" or "Must worship my strangely shaped naughty parts," because those would give me more then pause. Something along the lines of leaping, crawling heebie-jeebies, ya know? (spelling police -- heeby-jeeby? Your call.) But ok, here's a frinstance:
"I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits."
...I remember seeing that one on the list and thinking "wow, that would make me sound like some kind of uber-sensitive, anal and picky wackadoo. I'd better not pick it." Apparently either Princey didn't reach that conclusion or he's some kind of uber-sensitive, anal and picky wackadoo!
"I must have someone who is willing to share my interests and passions."
...I want to hope that he's just trying to talk about having things in common with a partner. However, I've also seen too many control-freaks who figure if you're not in to whatever they find cool you're just wrong, wrong, wrong. And I'm already wrong enough in life, I don't need new opportunities for that.
"My partner must be financially responsible."
...this is a good thought, but the thing is that I'm, er... whatdyacallit... like, not. I'm not. I mean I'm not filing for bankruptcy or ducking loan sharks or anything. But if my spending enthusiast ways make me so crazy I'd probably be peeling him off the ceiling. No thank you!

And my personal favorite:
"I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely."
What he probably meant: I want someone who isn't a virgin, a prude or catholic priest." What I'm hearing: "you bring your own saddle, I'll supply the branding iron and Crisco, baby!" followed by animal mating sounds, the smell of bacon grease and the taste of Cocoa Butter and feathers.

And people, you should know this about me: I'm NOT a prude! In fact, I'm extremely motivated to find someone with which to do some parallel parking, if you know what I mean. (oh, and if you don't know what I mean you either shouldn't be reading this or my Mom is finally checking out this link.) What I'm trying to say is this: I have not had touchy-feely, mattress-bouncy, spring-testing fun for over 10 years. A solid DECADE. So if anyone should be throwing down that naughty gauntlet it would be me. And therefore if I'm made hinky by this particular "Must Have" I think I should go with me gut on this one. Right?

From the land of "Can't Stands" I was singing along with his karaoke tune pretty well until I hit this sour note:
"I can't stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a "couch potato."
One of the things I promised myself when diving into this deep and uncharted pool was that I'd be honest about who I am and what I'm looking for. I'd love to say that I'm not lazy, don't spend excessive time sleeping and have never worn the suit of the "couch potato." Oh hell, I could totally say that! I'd just be lying, is all, and then I'm breaking promises I made to myself and I can be such a bitch when I'm pissed off, so I need to keep me on my good side. So honesty it is: I'm not just a couch potato -- I'm the dang queen of the couch potatoes! You wish you could spend as much time lounging on the couch as I do! If you tried, you'd probably pull a muscle!

I could either end this communication now, or I could turn the crank one more time. If I did that I'd send him another set of 5 questions from a whole new list. But I'd also have to wear the bastard hat, because I'm 96% sure that I'd just be indulging in the social experiment at that point. I want to keep seeing what happens next, but I gotta remind myself that this actually isn't a computer game, where I keep going through each level until I save the Royal Cosmonaut or defeat the Evil Asparagus. It's just an amazing simulation.

Too pooped to cover email number two -- must be why they invented tomorrow!

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