Friday, January 23, 2009

Silly Girl Ranged Attack with +4 Charisma Modifier

A couple of weeks ago I broke one of my cardinal rules of shoe buying and purchased some silly girl shoes. They have all the components of silly girl shoes: They’re oh so pretty, they have a stupidly high heel and no method of attaching themselves firmly to my feet. All looks and no sense = silly girl shoes.

Normally I shun the silly girl shoes because while they’re not comfortable, they are super-expensive. But these were on SALE. REALLY EXCELLENT AND CHEAP SALE. And also? They’re COMFORTABLE. ACTUAL AND FOR TRUE COMFORTABLE TO WEAR. And because of these loopholes I bought these silly, silly girl shoes, big heel and all.

And then today they tried to kill me.

This is the third, only slightly less-significant reason for not buying silly girl shoes: they will, by their very nature, try to break your ankle or, even better, your neck. They do this by being ever so very tall and tippy. Much taller and tippier than things that one straps to their feet should ever be. And these are even tippierer because they don’t strap to the feet at all. They just sit under the feet, not holding on to anything and, in fact, constantly threatening to abandon the feet entirely if they disagree with the feet’s planned route. I’ve had these particular silly girl shoes since right after Christmas and I wore them to a few things, including a couple of days of work, without incident.

But then TODAY? Oh, today it was ON!

Walking down the hallway on my tall, tippy, silly girl shoes I went around a corner and spontaneously decided to try walking on the SIDE of the shoes. And of my feet. Which, of course, required me to bend my ankle at a 90° angle. To the left. Which is a bend my ankles don’t really do. Oh, and also it made a super-dainty “crack-pop!” noise, which I’m sure is a fine noise for ankles to make. They’re very “crack-poppy” joints.

Long-story-short I’m not hobbled and will live to walk again, and I didn’t even throw away the silly girl shoes. But this is just one of the silly girl things I really just don’t do, don’t get, don’t fathom.

Like who are these women who change their purse to match their shoes and outfits? Who DOES this? It’s all I can do to make sure that I’ve got everything I need in the one purse I carry, and I can’t imagine moving things from purse to purse every day. This would make me very, very crazy. (not to mention my shoes rarely match my outfits anyway. The phrase “close enough” is a dear, dear friend of mine when it comes to dressing. Especially the putting on of shoes.)

And also I am utterly baffled by the invention of the clutch purse. This strapless purse is, to me, simply the most efficient way for someone to lose all things important to them in one forgetful moment. And the same people who said “you know what would be awesome? A little, put-downable purse with no strap!” are the same geniuses who said “women don’t need pockets. That’s why we invented purses…”

Also I don’t wear make-up. I gave it up for two reasons: First, I hate the feel of the stuff on my face. No matter what I put where, that’s where I’ll suddenly develop an un-scratchable itch. Second, every minute that I spend putting on make-up in the morning is time I could be sleeping. And sleep vs. make-up? NO CONTEST. (Keeping in mind that for me sleep vs. just about anything is no contest. Sleep vs. double-fudge brownie served on a bed of money stacked on the naked body of Damien Lewis is still NO CONTEST.)

All this to say I guess I’m not much of a girl in the grand scheme of things. But as it turns out I’m a pretty dang good nerd! (As I write this a hobgoblin has fallen under the fierce sting of my longbow!)

Next: all the reasons that my awesome nerd prowess should find me an awesome nerd to love…

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