For whatever reason there are just a ton of commercials for Emelody on TV right now. Oh, how I hate them. I hate when they say “my friend told me about the caliber of guys she was meeting on there.” Because then I think about the caliber of guys I’M meeting on there, and either this town is full of only crap single guys or I’m just not worthy of high caliber men.
Funny thing is that neither of these thoughts brings me comfort.
I’m not moving to another town. And I’m about as good as I’m gonna get. (not really, but as far as THEY know I am. They don’t know that I’m currently the size of a panzer tank or that I’ve not successfully finished doing my dishes this year or that when left to my own devices I’m pretty much totally unable to resist eating 3-4 bowls of Cap’n Crunch Even after the crunchy crunch bits have poked the crap out of my poor mouth. I’m pretty darn sure that there’s no way they can no that. Probably.)
I read this article on the Emelody site about “What not to say on your profile and it boiled down to 1) be able to spell stuff, 2) don’t tell him about the Cap’n Crunch thing, 3) Love everything, 4) pretend you are alone and aimless and 5) don’t be THAT GUY. None of these help me.
I read another article that was the 5 biggest turn-offs for dudes, and THEY were 1) flakiness, 2) poor communication, 3) Not Playing Fair, 4) Trying to Change Him and 5) Ultimatums. In other words,
But here’s the deal: none of these articles help me, because what I’m not getting is matches. MAAAATCHEEES. I need the magic love-making interweb monkeys at Emelody to bring me guys that I can try not to turn off or who can read my profile and be horrified or WHAT-THE-HELL-EVER. See, Emelody asks all these questions and they use that to pick your matches and when they finish making your profile-thing they give you this report that’s supposed to describe you and my report was (this still makes me vomit in my mouth a little) TOTALLY DEAD ON.
And I get no matches. The me that they have figured out is unmatchable.
(I hear a box of Cap’n Crunch, with fabulous berries of crunch mixed in, calling my name. Because the Cap’n and me? Oh, that’s a match baby.)