Battle of the Bulge - Compare and Contrast edition.

So the battle of the bulge is in full swing! And by full swing I mostly mean that every yummy thing I eat is currently coated in a thick film of guilt, and I’m extremely aware of my tummy. To make matters worse, the Queen has been tracking her eating and exercising on her own blog. And it includes words like “non-fat” and “sit-ups” which make me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

To better illustrate the difference between our battle plans, here is what a week of eating and exercising would look like on MY blog:

Monday:
Breakfast = 2-3 handfulls of cheesy goldfish crackers, 12 oz. of Pepsi
Lunch = leftover Chinese food, some kind of Mein (probably lo)
Dinner = chicken Ceasar wrap
Dessert = 1 fudgicle (maybe 2? I got dizzy around 11:45 and may have treated myself with an additional fudgicle purely for medicinal purposes)
Exercise = biked to/from work twice, 1 bonus Monday hour of tap dancing

Tuesday:
Breakfast = 2-3 handfulls of cheesy goldfish crackers, 12 oz. of Pepsi
Lunch = P, B & J on white bread, 12 oz. of Pepsi, 10 min. of reliving my childhood through food.
Dinner = Exceptionally crappy Banquet chicken dinner frozen dinner w/ mashed potato & corn, 12 oz. of Pepsi
Dessert = 1 fudgicle
Exercise = biked to/from work twice, 1 hour of tap dancing

Wednesday:
Breakfast = 2-3 handfulls of cheesy goldfish crackers, 12 oz. of Pepsi
Lunch = P, B & GJ on white bread, 12 oz. of Pepsi, fat-free memories of youth
Dinner = Chicken Ceasar wrap, 1 dozen tater tots (maybe more – I confess I didn’t actually count them.) 12 oz. Pepsi
Dessert = The Last Fudgicle
Exercise = biked to/from work twice, 20-min. of crying due to lack of additional Fudgicles, absolutely NO tap dancing.

Thursday:
Breakfast = Oh cheesy goldfish crackers, only you understand me. You and your friend, 12 oz. of Pepsi
Lunch = Lean Pocket, which is neither lean nor a pocket, but DOES taste like cardboard filled with cat food and cheese whiz
Dinner = Cheese burger, OK? WITH pickles! And probably not even LITE pickles! But I had things I had to do and it was late and I didn’t want to make food and whatever! You’re not the boss of me!
Dessert = 2 small bowls of Frosted Flakes w/ 2% milk. Because it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
Exercise = biked to/from work twice.

Friday:
Breakfast = 2-3 handfulls of cheesy goldfish crackers, 12 oz. of Pepsi, who the hell brought cinnamon rolls?
Lunch = tiny 1-person cheese pizza w/ chicken scattered around the top because cheese pizza is boring.
Dinner = Take-out Indian Food!!! Chicken Tikka Masala and plain Nan. And big heaping bowl of nirvana because I love me some Indian food! (but it was low-fat nirvana, if that makes any difference.) and, OF COURSE, 12 oz. of Pepsi.
Dessert = 1 small bowl of Cap’n Crunch w/ crunch berries, 1 ice cube (fat free, y’all!!) to stop the mouth-bleeding from the sharp crunch-corners, candy bar at the movies.
Exercise = biked to/from work twice, built shrine to person who brought cinnamon rolls

…yeah, I don’t understand why I’m not a tiny, little size 2 yet either. Probably a glandular problem. Or perhaps a vindictive metabolism.

PS. Dear Pepsi, I expect your corporate sponsorship of this blog to commence immediately. Yes, I am willing to change the name to “Pepsi’s Unlikely in Love” in exchange for a lifetime supply of soda and the promise that you’ll change back the logo immediately. Femtastic don’t like image change!