It's too late for me -- save yourself.

I'm officially encouraging everyone to wash their hands of me. Seriously, its time, because my Lord what a mess am I! And I'm not talking about your everyday, run-of-the-mill mess, because I can normally bang that out in a couple of days (and maintain that level of mess for weeks!). For instance, the last time that my kitchen counter was less covered with dirty dishes then not was some time in May. (one word in my defense: I have no dishwasher, so it's all "fill the sink and wash by hand." And also I hate to do dishes very, very much. I should own stock in paper plates, ok?)

In terms of day-to-day train wreck I'm well versed. My vacuum cleaner could be resold as "almost new -- hardly ever been used!" The cobwebs in the upper reaches of my house are waiting for a 3rd callback to be in the next Indiana Jones movie. The other day I apparently got distracted 1/2-way through cleaning the cat box. I know this because the next day I found a little paper turd bag sitting 1/2-full right in front of the box, the scooper still leaning up against the edge. And the scoop full of fresh poop. Like the cat said "get this thing out of here! If you've forgotten what it's for, let me remind you!"

Still, it's refreshing to know that as much of a caricature of the absurd as I am normally can still be improved on, and here's my latest lameness: I'm 99% sure I'm going to be offered a new job and I'm a little bummed about it.

SHE'S BUMMED ABOUT A NEW JOB, PEOPLE! FEEL FREE TO STONE HER TO DEATH WITH NO PITY!

I have a job right now that is ok. It pays enough to cover the necessary and allow me a little fun. It's well within my skills and doesn't stress me out very often. The people are not evil. None of them. And I've worked with the evil, so I know of what I speak. The guys who are my bosses are very nice, seem to honestly want good things for me and ask me how I am with SO much sincerity that I feel great pressure to answer with details. But I'm sad most mornings when I have to get up to come here because it's not a great job. It's the big mondo-corporation that I work for which bums me out, and the lack of accomplishing anything that might make a real difference and the lack of people here who are my people. (they're not evil -- they're just not my people.) It's the dirth of anything to shoot for, the limitations on pay and benefits (especially the benefits) and the general not caring so much. And so I've been keeping my eyes open for a better job.

So about a month ago my aunt, who is so much like me that when we're at family gatherings and having a conversation together I think my brother in law wants to bury his head in the dip (we're loud, boistrous, over the top. Shocking, I know -- I seem SO shy here.), gets a promotion at the hospital where she works (administrative stuff) and suggests that I apply for her old job. Her old job is with one of the best employers in Hippyville, would pay a smidge better, has excellent benefits, including dental (swoon!) and many opportunities to move up and on, and has people that I would probably really mesh with. Such as my aunt. And did I mention dental? mention it through the teeth that are wanting to fall completely out of my mouth?

So apply I do, and they like me (because SO much like the person who had the job who they already like) and I get good feelings that an offer may be coming soon. (after all, people don't ask you to pee in a cup in a secure bathroom on a whim, right? Oh, and the pee story will come in a future post.)

So, to recap: not so happy at ok job, new job w/ better pay and bennies and such drops into lap, looks like I'll get hired and this makes me sad. SAD!

I don't really get it myself. But I have a theory. I blame the dream job from a few months ago.

See, after having had jobs a-plenty over the last 20 years I was really resolved to the idea that if I don't want to be abysmally poor all the time I'll have to work a job that isn't what I really want to do. What I really want to do, frankly, is THIS, but get paid well with benefits and vacation and occasional spontaneous gifties. But the people who do this will tell you that there's a one in a chance of actually striking "solid employment" gold at it. Most folks who get to be creative in their work also get to be creative at which bills get paid this month or making a meal with a can of beans and couch lint.

I've been there before. All Scarlet O'Hara like I pledged that once I was out I wasn't going back. And so I rock the corporate, uninspiring but dependable job.

But then all of the sudden someone says to me "hey, there's a chance that you could actually be creative and challenged by a job and look forward to going to work and also work where you want and (big finish!) get paid a more-then-livable wage for it. Interested?" which broke my candy-coating. I tried, oh I so tried, to not get too excited, since I knew it was a long shot and I didn't have professional experience as a writer and I'd wasted years of my life not playing enough online video games (what the hell was I thinking anyway?). But just because you know you shouldn't get your hopes set on something doesn't mean hopes don't get set.

The job was not to be, and I thought I was ok with it. But here I am awaiting the call that says "how would you like us to improve many areas of your life just by asking you to do very similar things as you're doing now but for us instead?" and part of me is actually sad. And, therefore, lame.

I'm hoping that by voicing my lameness to those who love me either in spite of, or perhaps because of, my massive character and personality flaws (that would be you guys, and by the way look how smart and yet attractive you all are!) it will exercise the demons and set my brain free. This job is a good thing and could lead to many other good things. And hell, I haven't even been offered the job yet! And also there are people who have NO job, which is who I was only 2.5 years ago and man did THAT suck. So enough with the sad. If you want to write so badly then shut up and do it. And in the meantime get your goddamn teeth fixed!