Sunday, March 04, 2007

Femtastic vs. the Crazies, act 1

So I'm at the store. Actually I'm leaving the store -- I've got a full cart and an empty pocket, so mission all accomplishy. I've moved the cart contents into the car, and now I'm being a good shopping citizen and taking my cart back to the little cart corral. Yes, I am the one who does that. It's me. The truth is out.

To get to the cart corral I gotta walk around this big old SUV parked in the end slot. Now you guys know the end slot, right? It's recognizable by a few things. The location at the end of the row, the close proximity to the store, the big, yellow-lined area between the row and the store that says (in parking lot language) "don't park in this area because if you do then folks who turn around the row in their big, old cars will shave off your ass. Your car ass. So don't."

But on this day someone has parked in the end space, and this someone apparently doesn't understand parking lot language. This SUV is parked almost 2 feet into this "don't park here" area and, therefore, almost 2 feet away from the other side of the space. And I'm sorry, but I am fairly gobsmacked by the craptitude of the parking job. Enough so that I stare. As I walk around the car I stare at the parking job, the wheels, the encroachment into the "don't park here" space... I stare. I don't really think about it, but I stare. I get around to the corral at the nose of the SUV and push the cart in with the rest of it's herd, and I look up.

Right into the eyes of the driver of the SUV.

Apparently she's noticed my gobsmackery. She smiles at me, and I smile back. Sort of. I give her that crooked smile that says "so, that parking job: blind or drunk?" Because come on, it was a TERRIBLE parking job, and she was still in the car so she could take a minute and fix it right then. And I head back to my car.

That's when she starts screeching out her window.

"Oh my god, is it so very terrible?!?" she screams out her driver-side window, the other side from where I was parked. (this forces her to yell VERY loud so that I can hear her on the other side of her gynormous vehicle, not to mention over her eco-guilt.) "Did I kill someone? Is it that big of a problem, are you that bothered by it? Good god, I must be a terrible, terrible person I guess, huh?!?" and on and on and on.

At first I'm gonna ignore it, but I'm so amazed that she is still going by the time I get to my car, not to mention how righteous her indignation, that I just have to come face to face with this wailing wackadoo. I wander back around the ass of her (poorly parked) gas-guzzler and as I round the corner she (get this):

1) rolls up her window AND
2) locks her door.

LOCKS HER DOOR!!! Like I'm some 11-foot tall, musclebound hunchback covered in tattoos and fresh scars! It's so funny to me that by the time I reach her door I'm already laughing. I'm laughing and she's calling out "No, no, no, no, no..." and I'm laughing even more. In hindsight I should probably feel kind of bad because if she was scared enough to lock her door and start chanting I guess I shouldn't have laughed. Anyway, the next thing I make out from her is something about "I just can't believe that you would make a comment like that!" (oh, and she apparently showed fear by YELLING because her volume was unstoppable.)

"I didn't make any comment." I corrected her (still a little bit laughing -- she locked her door!) "The only one talking is you."

"I'm just amazed at your behavior!" she adds, and I'm FLOORED.

"I'm sorry," I stammer out, "you're amazed at my behavior?" She stops short when I say "I'm sorry" -- probably thinks I'm actually gonna apologize for something -- but when I get the question out she just nodds and verifies that I'm not confused. And so I honestly reply to her "Well that's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard of in my life. Seriously, just hilarious. Truly hysterical!" and that was the sentiment I kept repeating as I headed back to my little car. (And the laughing was pretty bad at this point.)

As I back out of my space what is crazy lady doing?

She's re-parking her car.

Now seriously, what dude could wrangle this force of absurd nature? What dude?

1 comment:

Courtney said...

I have read your blog from the beginning and thought that you deserved to know that I find it hilarious. Good luck, my sister met and married someone great that she met online.