And I, also nonchelantly, tried my best to crawl all the way into her couch rather than admit the truth, which is ever-so-sadly this: I forgot to go and wink back.
I just forgot! I'd decided to wink back, based on all the good advice I got here, and I was all go for winking, I promise. But as Queen oh-so-eloquently put it, I'm just not properly motivated. Or at least I wasn't by Quasinatra. And I honestly and for truly just forgot.
How did I remember that I'd forgotten? Well I went to Yenta.com last week and decided I was gonna go on a winking spree! A Pepsi-fueled, throw-sanity-to-the-wind winking fit! I winked at no less then 5 different guys, and discovered some extra limitations I'd not realized I had. For instance:
- No picture? I probably won't wink. No picture and you describe yourself as "bald"? I definitely won't wink. It's not that I'm anti-bald, because people, there are some FOINE bald dudes out there! (Hello, John Locke? Hello Cap'n Piccard? Anyone? Anyone? I'm just sayin'!) But if I can't see how you're rockin' the bald then I'm not that brave.
- You have children? I'm not opposed to that. You have 3 kids, and they all live at home? Hmm, well it's still possible but I admit I'm nervous. Your headline is (I kid you not) "Looking for a new mother for 3 great kids"? Have you considered the "new mom" aisle at Wal-Mart? Oh crazy, crazy, CRAZY man?
- Know what? There is no level of handsome that will get me to drive 2 hours for a date. 20-30 minutes maybe, if I'm properly motivated, but I'm not blowing a tank of gas and a quarter my waking day just getting to some guy.
But here's the secret truth: I honestly looked at this as my chance to prove a deeply held belief, which was that this is all a massive waste of time and energy. This winkapalooza all started with this thought: any guy that I would ever even consider winking at will reject me. Guaranteed.
You may see this as a sad thought. For me, once I coaxed the idea out from behind that mental bush and took a good, hard look at it, it was extremely freeing! I don't have to worry about who I make contact with, because it's never gonna go anywhere. So wink away, baby! Wink until it develops into a real-life tick! Wink like you're goddang James Bond, license to wink! WINK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER WINKED IN YOUR WINKIN' LIFE!
So I did.
This was (mostly) done 5 days ago, and now you must guess how many guys have rejected the wink from this initial winksplosion. How many do you think? Put your money where..., no wait, I mean put your mouth where... no, that's gonna go naughty. Just guess.