Monday, March 26, 2007

I'm winking, I'm winking!

So Saturday night I'm hanging w/ The Queen and Princess Stinkbutt, and Queen asks (all nonchelantly) "So whatever happened with that guy that winked at you? You know, after you winked back?"

And I, also nonchelantly, tried my best to crawl all the way into her couch rather than admit the truth, which is ever-so-sadly this: I forgot to go and wink back.

I just forgot! I'd decided to wink back, based on all the good advice I got here, and I was all go for winking, I promise. But as Queen oh-so-eloquently put it, I'm just not properly motivated. Or at least I wasn't by Quasinatra. And I honestly and for truly just forgot.

How did I remember that I'd forgotten? Well I went to last week and decided I was gonna go on a winking spree! A Pepsi-fueled, throw-sanity-to-the-wind winking fit! I winked at no less then 5 different guys, and discovered some extra limitations I'd not realized I had. For instance:
  • No picture? I probably won't wink. No picture and you describe yourself as "bald"? I definitely won't wink. It's not that I'm anti-bald, because people, there are some FOINE bald dudes out there! (Hello, John Locke? Hello Cap'n Piccard? Anyone? Anyone? I'm just sayin'!) But if I can't see how you're rockin' the bald then I'm not that brave.
  • You have children? I'm not opposed to that. You have 3 kids, and they all live at home? Hmm, well it's still possible but I admit I'm nervous. Your headline is (I kid you not) "Looking for a new mother for 3 great kids"? Have you considered the "new mom" aisle at Wal-Mart? Oh crazy, crazy, CRAZY man?
  • Know what? There is no level of handsome that will get me to drive 2 hours for a date. 20-30 minutes maybe, if I'm properly motivated, but I'm not blowing a tank of gas and a quarter my waking day just getting to some guy.
But beyond little red flags such as these (or mostly just these) I was a winky-winkin' fool, baby! I heard the voices with their words of doubt (did he really say he was an American guy looking for an American girl? Oh come on, that guy's posing in front of a fake sunset. Iguana! That clearly says "pet iguana"!) but I listened to them not a bit. I was winkin' to the left, winkin' to the right...

But here's the secret truth: I honestly looked at this as my chance to prove a deeply held belief, which was that this is all a massive waste of time and energy. This winkapalooza all started with this thought: any guy that I would ever even consider winking at will reject me. Guaranteed.

You may see this as a sad thought. For me, once I coaxed the idea out from behind that mental bush and took a good, hard look at it, it was extremely freeing! I don't have to worry about who I make contact with, because it's never gonna go anywhere. So wink away, baby! Wink until it develops into a real-life tick! Wink like you're goddang James Bond, license to wink! WINK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER WINKED IN YOUR WINKIN' LIFE!

So I did.

This was (mostly) done 5 days ago, and now you must guess how many guys have rejected the wink from this initial winksplosion. How many do you think? Put your money where..., no wait, I mean put your mouth where... no, that's gonna go naughty. Just guess.

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