OK, so my Match.com profile is bringing the er..., scores of... it's really attracting...
...what's a cool way of saying "bupkus"? Anyway, you get the idea. So I was trying to figure out what to do, and over the weekend I discovered many excellent things I can add to my profile to totally bring in the dudes. Observe:
1) This girl, she got the moooooves! Oh yes, oh yes yes, I can move it-move it! The dancing on Friday, which was supposed to provide me with the tons of hy-larious and his-terical story fodder, ended up being Aw! Some! I still had many of my patented "Rock It, Baby!" Femtastic moves in the old hip pocket and I had people checking me out and coming up to me and everything! I'm choosing not to focus on the fact that the hip with the pocket full of moves was the same one I broke while boogying, or that the ones checking me out were of undeterminate gender (pretty sure they were O-shaped lesbians, but could also have been buxom dudes) OR that the one who came over to see me was the waiter! NOT the point. The point? It is that I gots me some moves!!
2) I'm really good at sports, from Tennis to Bowling, or also Pool, and especially Boxing! I've carried on some epic, thrilling tennis matches in the last 24 hours, as well as completely crushing a good friend of mine at pool. But my greatest triumph was the super-fast K.O. -- yes, that totally stands for KNOCK OUT, my peoples! -- in my first boxing match of the day! Now, is it important for me to mention that all of these sporting and gaming events took place in The King and Queen's living room? Or that they were all accomplished via high-tech high-techary? I think not. After all, I can't play baseball in real life, I can't play baseball on Wii, so I'm sure the other skills are also completely authentic. (my god, do you see the amazing color of the sky here in the land where I live? So plaidy!)
3) I'm totally going to be the next Annie Liebovitz or George Lange. I got me mad photeo-ographying skills, boyee, and can totally rock the picture-takery all up in yo' grills! Now all I need are cool business cards. (Also a celebrity clientele, a portfolio of amazing pictures, a never-ending supply of creativity and some of those fancy flashes with their own umbrellas. But I'm pretty sure that those come with the business cards.) If you don't believe me, check out Snapstastic all this week, because it will be featuring some of my fine handywork, not to mention the ridiculously photogenic families of both Risky and The Queen. (With people this stupidly attractive the trick is just get them centered in the shot and get out of their way. Everything after that is photo-gold!)
4) I'll make a fabulous mother. I know this because I didn't kill Mr. Man all weekend. Even with the waking me at 5am both weekend mornings and the chasing expensive beads all over the beading table and the whacking me in the EYE with his CLAWS one morning when I bent over to LOVE him. And right now when he's sitting in front of the monitor, chasing the cursor, making a craptastic window. And yet he still lives. So clearly I have the patience of Job. (although right now I think it has more to do with the fact that my right arm is all but dead after all the mad Wii-ing. Wii-ness. Wii-ery? Yeah, the people at Nintendo better figure that verb out quick...)
...so once I add these huge bonus points to my Yenta.com profile I'll be beating them off. WITH A STICK! You people are disgusting! (one of the things I love about you most...)